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Archive for October, 2008

Friends don’t let friends……

……..Kindle drunk.   LOL! 

Yup.  I did it.  I bought a Kindle.  (Yay Spudsie!)  I bit the bullet.  I quit straddling the fence.  I stopped “being of two minds” as the British would say.  (I heart BBC Amercia!)  I even paid extra for expedited shipping.

And Thursday afternoon, that magical Brown truck delivered my Kindle.

And I am TOTALLY IN LOVE!!!!

Before I wax too poetic (and make my coach even more green with envy….sorry Coach Jim!  I hope this won’t impact our next conversation too negatively…..hmmmm….maybe I should have thought of that BEFORE gloating???  LOL!)…anyway, before I wax too poetic I have one word of caution.

Friends don’t let friends Kindle drunk.

Well….I suppose in the interest of full disclosure I should admit I wasn’t really “drunk” per sey.  I’d had 2.5 glasses of wine during dinner and a movie at home.  (By the way, don’t waste too much money on the movie “21”….it has more fatal flaws than ….well…than a movie with a lot of fatal flaws!  It’s worth the 99 cents Mr. Spuds and I paid to download it from Amazon to our Tivo.  But I’m glad I didn’t pay more.) 

Where was I?  Oh yeah….Kindle-ing under the influence.  (Can I be cited for KUI???)  Pressing the “next page” and “previous page” and “back” buttons while slightly tipsy can become confusing!  Hey!  How the heck did I end up back at the “Table of Contents”???  Buy how often do I read after slamming down….er….I mean indulging in a glass or two of wine with dinner with my husband?  Never.  But the Kindle was new enough that I tried it.  My advice?  Stick to drunk e-mailing.  LOL!

Seriously, the Kindle is amazing.  (In my opinion.)  I cannot say enough good things about it.  (We’ll see what I’m saying 6 to 12 months from now.)  I wasn’t sure it I’d like it.  In fact I was a little concerned I’d end up like Opus from Bloom County….using the Kindle as a book light…or as a flat surface on which to attach a reading light.

 

 

In spite of my concerns I decided to order it anyway.  What the heck!  You only live once….and Amazon will still accept returns right?  What’s the worst that could happen? 

Evidently the worst thing that could happen is that I’d love it too much and spend far too much time reading on it.  And surfing the Internet on it.

Oh.  You didn’t know?  Yep.  You can surf the web on the Kindle.  I’ve bookmarked this blog.  And Coach Jim’s.  And Maggie Mae’s.  And my friend in Maine.  And…well….you get the idea.  I can keep up to date on everyone’s blogs wherever I am.  How cool!

And I can bookmark as many pages as I want.  I can add as many notes as I want.  I’m not limited to trying to squeeze my reactions to really meaningful passages in margins that are far too small.  AND I’ll never have to worry about not being able to read my own writing again!  Though if I continue to Kindle under the influence I may accidently refer to a character named “Joe” as “jpoe” in my notes and confuse myself later.  (The “jpoe” reference is for my friend BAM……….…thanks for setting the bar so high for tipsy e-mailing/blogging/typing!  J)

Which brings me back to my main point.  Friends don’t let friends Kindle drunk.

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“What a country”

I really miss Tim Russert. 

I’ve been glued to MSNBC this political season.  I love listening to their political shows—from “Morning Joe” with Joe Scarborough in the early morning, to Keith Olbermann’s rants…er…”Special Comments”, to Rachel Maddow’s new show.  It’s awesome!

Yeah….I know…MSNBC leans really heavily to the left.  Since I’m listening more for fun and to hear the arguments I’m not too worried about getting neutral perspectives from their shows.  There are more than enough conservative sources out there that help balance them out.

I love listening to Rachel Maddow debate Pat Buchanan.  The two of them together are amazing!  They really get into it—finger pointing, really intense body posture, raised voices (not yelling—just raised), eyebrows at the top of their heads, totally in to it!  And at the same time it’s soooo easy to see that they really respect each other.  They (in a really odd way) get along really well. 

And that’s something I don’t see in my “real” life very often.  Typically when there is finger pointing it’s because of a true attack—and not an intellectual debate between people who in the end agree to disagree.  (I seem to keep repeating the same words here….my vocabulary is evidently running low today.)  It is sooooo COOL to watch.  How can I learn to do that??

Back to Tim.

As much as I’m totally engrossed in this political season, it still feels as though there is a major part missing.  Where’s Tim?  Where’s Tim and his white board?  Where’s Tim and his constant “Go Bills!” and “What a country!” 

Tim- I hope you’re sitting next to Abe Lincoln spending countless hours discussing current political events.  I hope you’re sitting on the edge of your seat, half holding your breath waiting to see what happens next—just like I am.  I wish you’d been here for this season, but perhaps God thought he needed the best of the best to debate the 2008 election season with him.  It’s been an amazing political season—we hardly have time to catch our collective breath before some new twist is thrown into the mix.  How remarkable!  As you often quoted Big Russ, we keep quoting you…..

“What a country!”

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Haiku for Maggie Mae

I stumbled onto Maggie Mae’s blog several weeks ago.  She’s a beautiful dog who is just a touch obsessed with squirrels.  (Or “tree rats” as she often calls them.)  Today she mentioned she was considering writing a poem and asked what rhymed with “squirrel.”  While I have no answer for that, she did inspire me to create a haiku in her honor.

Hope you enjoy it Maggie Mae! 

 

“Squirrel”

Cool leaves surround me

Running about are tree rats

Bake them until crisp

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To Kindle or not to Kindle……

Ah……the eternal question.

What?  It’s not eternal??  It sure feels like I’ve been waivering on this for an eternity.  LOL!

I’m trying to decide if I should bite the bullet and buy a Kindle from Amazon.  (It’s $50 cheaper with Oprah’s code!)

I read a ton of books–so I’d save money downloading the e-book format, and I’d save a lot of trees.  It would be much easier to travel with at Thanksgiving and on vacation.  If I don’t like it I’m sure Amazon will be happy to let me return it.  (Snort!)  Think of all the room I’d save in my luggage when traveling if I didn’t have to pack books! 

On the other hand…..think of what else I could buy with that $$$$.  While I don’t need any more boots…there sure are some super cool ones out there.  Or I could take my clothes to get altered so they’d actually fit again after shedding 15 pounds. 

Hmmmmm…..

So let’s get some reader feedback.  What do y’all think?

 

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It’s been almost a week since my last coaching conversation with Coach Jim.  Which means I’ve been avoiding this for almost a week now…..

Or more accurately it’s taken me almost a week to be ready to work on this.  Which is a distinction I often fail to recognize.  We talked Monday and I started brewing some of these ideas in my head.  Tuesday was an incredibly draining day—and there is no way I would have been able to have this conversation on Tuesday.  Wednesday….well check out the Thriving entry if you want to know about Wednesday.  That day was full enough on its own and I worked on other stuff Wednesday.

Thursday I tried to untangle what happened Wednesday—tried to acknowledge what I did and how well it worked.  So that kept me pretty busy.  Friday?  Well Friday was an awesome day for me.  God decided that he’d open up the virtual pens of a number of people and send some wonderful feedback my way.  At one point on Friday I was so pumped up I was giddy!  Since that’s a fairly infrequent feeling in Spusdieville I decided to stay with it.  To just enjoy the moments.  It was really nice!

Saturday and today I’ve been catching up on odd stuff.  Catching up with a friend I haven’t seen in a while, e-mailing others, catching up on some reading.  All around relaxing stuff.

And I think I finally am calm enough, centered enough to tackle this.

What exactly am I tackling?  Good question.  Whenever I start writing something for my blog I always think I know where it will end up.  And at least 67% of the time it goes in a different direction.  So we’ll find out together where this ends up.

When I started my conversation with Jim last Monday I thought it would be a relative easy, calm conversation.  (Remind me not to go in with that assumption anymore!!)  I had managed to write about grief and a little bit about fear and had really worked through some of it.  I took it out of the over-stuffed shoebox and had a conversation with it.  And it moved along. 

It worked so well I wanted to try it with other fears—other emotions.  Yet I wasn’t really sure it would work the same way.  Wasn’t sure it would work as well.  Wasn’t sure…..well basically just wasn’t sure about any of it.  So I asked Jim if we could talk about that.

I assumed Jim would say “Trust the process” and I was not disappointed.  J  I just needed to hear those words.  And whatever other insights Jim had to offer.  I wasn’t sure if it was going to be a “Come on Spudsie…..you don’t need the hand-holding …..you can do this on your own” encouragement or more of a “Let’s walk through the steps again Spudsie” or even a “Why are you hesitating?” type of conversation.  I just knew I needed someone to help move me along the path.

What I didn’t expect was to end up in tears—nearly uncontrollable tears—so early in the conversation.

Near the beginning of the conversation Jim asked me if I had a list of other fears I thought I might want to address.  (Seriously?  Jim had to ask if I had a list???  LOL!  I’m the queen of lists!)  So I rattled off the first half dozen or so.  And we started talking about how I had addressed the first fear.  How the topic came to me.  Where and when I wrote about it.  What my “plan” had been.  Kinda trying to find out what had helped it work so well the first time.

We talked about how I began (as I do with everything I write for this blog) without knowing the exact end or outcome, how I had simply trusted the process, how I started writing and was willing to let go of any expectations at the beginning and let the process be organic.  And (perhaps most importantly) how I stayed with the conversation until it was complete.

Cool.  That all sounds really reasonable.  And it worked really well.  And I was still having problems getting over some speed bump and starting to address a second fear or second emotion.  Why?

At some point in I realized I was not really participating in the conversation because I was too busy trying to calm the voices in my head.  I was on the verge of tears and had no idea why.  At that exact moment Jim asked me how I was doing.  And I answered completely honestly.  “I’m feeling really emotional right now Jim.  And I’m not sure why.”

That was a change.  Typically I’d try taking a deep breath, check and improve my posture, find calm and try to move on.  Try to say “I’m fine.  Give me a second.”  And try to continue with the conversation.  I’m getting tired of doing that.  There’s absolutely no reason I can’t tell Jim how I’m doing.  When he asks that questions it’s honestly to find out how I’m doing.  He’s not asking a question implying that I need to suck it up and move on.  So I answered honestly.  Finally.

Jim helped me untangle and identify some of the emotions I was feeling about not being completely comfortable trying to address another fear or emotion.  There was a fair amount of feeling inadequate—feeling like I wasn’t up to the task, feeling like I wanted to give up, why bother, that type of thing.  I’m not good enough to continue to do this.  It was beginner’s luck.  It worked once and I’ll screw it up if I try it again.  Even if I have a little success it won’t be the same.  It won’t help.  This isn’t really a tool I’m going to be able to use because I’m just not good enough.  (Overly harsh on yourself much Spudsie??)

I was also really frustrated.  Jim asked me to put that into words.  What does that feel like?  All I could come up with was “Arrrgggghhhhh!”  LOL!  Frustration that this little speed bump feels like a huge roadblock.  Frustration that I wasn’t able to just start the next one.  Feeling…..welll….feeling…..arrrrgggghhhh!

There were a couple of positive emotions in the emotional stew as well.

I had hope.  Hope is looking forward and seeing the positive possibilities.  I felt hope that I’d be able to open my emotional shoe box and talk to other emotions that I’ve kept boxed up for far too many years.  I had hope that I’d be able to I’d be able to sleep better, walk around without the weight of the world on my shoulders, and be able to see things as they actually are—rather than seeing them through the warped glasses I tend to use. 

I also felt some pride.  I was proud that I was able to honestly and openly address and talk with one of my fears….one of my stronger emotions.  I had done something good, something helpful, and I had done it myself.  No one wrote it for me.  No one scripted the conversation.  No one told me how it was “supposed” to progress.  I had started writing and ended up feeling as though I’d exorcised an emotional “demon.”  And I was proud of it.

And that was the point in the conversation where I pretty much had a meltdown.   Jim was headed in a definite direction.  He was working on developing a new practice I could add to my ever-growing lists of practices.  And somewhere mid sentence he lost me.  Or rather I lost the thread of the conversation.

I felt completely overcome with really strong emotions.  Something he said, something I said, something I thought (I’m not sure which) triggered a really strong fight-or-flight response in me.  Jim asked a question.  I know it was a question because it sounded like a question and there was a long pause after he finished speaking.  But I don’t have any idea what the question was.  I was fighting so hard to keep from losing my tenuous grasp on coherent speech that I wasn’t listening.  I was trying not to break into hysterical fits of crying.

Why?

I had no idea.  I was lost.  So I told Jim that.  “Jim, I’m sorry, but I’m having a really tough time right now.  I don’t know why.”  I really don’t remember exactly what I said, but I do remember making the conscious choice to tell Jim—hey, I need some help here.  I’m lost.

Jim helped me get back to calm.  Asked me questions to try and figure out what was going on physically and what I was reacting to. 

It turns out pride/being proud is a really tough topic for me.  It doesn’t exist by itself in my mind.  I’m never truly “proud” of myself or something I’ve done for me than a few seconds.  It’s almost as if as soon as my brain recognizes the “symptoms” of pride sirens go off.

Whoop!  Whoop!  Condition Red!  I repeat.  Condition Red!  Pride is on the loose!  All units respond!

And all over the place other thoughts come racing out.  Other emotions show up to put out the fire of pride.  Hey….we can’t have Spudsie being proud of anything!   Let’s get going!

I’m not very good yet at identifying many emotions.  They still befuddle me.  And when they are so blindingly overpowering as the ones that “combat” pride…..well….even looking back with some time and space doesn’t seem to help.  I’m still not sure what it is that I’m feeling.  I just know that the “I’m proud of myself” feeling flees from them.

I don’t have many memories of family encouraging me to be proud of my accomplishments as a child.  I’m sure they must have at some point…..but I don’t really remember any of it.  Papers for school could always have been better.  Recitals were okay but could have been more somehow.  New friends were expected.  (I’ve never had an easy time opening up to people and making new friends has always been a challenge for me.)  Seemingly anything I accomplished wasn’t enough, wasn’t good enough, or was simply what was expected. 

Get an “A” in a class?  Well sure.  Spudsie is smart.  She should be making all A’s.  No big deal.  Or maybe it was because I liked the teacher that I did so well.  Now what I really needed to do was work as hard in the subjects I didn’t like, with the teachers I didn’t like.  Then that might be worthy of some praise.  But to get a good grade in a class I enjoyed with a teacher who was great?  Nah….no reason to be proud of that .  No reason to be proud of that hard work.

Reading beyond my grade or age level?  Nope.  Sorry.  No reason to be proud of that either.  I like to read—I enjoy it.  So it’s no wonder I excel in that area.  That’s nothing unexpected.  Nothing out of the ordinary here.  No reason to be proud.  No reason for praise.

Finally understand a difficult math concept?  (Yech!  Math!  Blech!)  It’s about time.  What was so difficult about that?  You’re smart.  Why didn’t you get it the first 8 times we tried teaching it to you?  Why on earth would you be proud of that?

(&@^!#&#*$(@^  Here come the tears.  Okay Jim- you owe me a box of Kleenex.  ;-))

One of the things Jim suggested I do is look for assessments I make in my writing.  Look for them and back out of the assessments and look at what the actual facts are.  Unravel the assessments and look at the facts underneath them.

If I could do that here it would probably really, REALLY help.

I don’t know that I’m capable of doing that right now.  I don’t know that I can separate reality/facts from what I’ve been told and what I’ve told myself for so many years.

What are the facts?  How much pride is appropriate?  When is pride appropriate?  What accomplishments can I be proud of?  Is what I’m doing enough?  Is what I’m doing worth being proud of?

The Bible warns that “Pride goeth before a fall…”  (What can I say…I grew up reading the King James Version of the Bible so my language is slightly dated.  LOL!)  So is pride a sin?  In my assessment, no.  Why not?  What facts do I have to support that belief?  I dunno.  I just know that emotions aren’t good or bad—they simply are.  (As Jim tells me over and over. J)  And pride is an emotion.  By itself it isn’t good or bad—it simply is.

And somehow in my mind it’s been turned into something to be avoided.  Or maybe something I don’t deserve to feel.  So much so that my brain puts far more energy into creating reasons why I don’t deserve to feel proud than it would expend on simply being proud and moving on.

I suppose at the root of the problem is fear.  (No surprise there.)  When I start to feel proud of an accomplishment I immediately expect someone will come along and tell me why I shouldn’t feel proud.  Why I don’t deserve to enjoy a sense of accomplishment.  What I could have done better.

I experienced that so many times– and felt the pain of having what was (in all likelihood) a legitimate sense of pride turned into an indictment of some other character flaw (either real or imagined).  I suppose I began to associate the emotion of pride with that pain.  And who wants to experience any more pain in their life than they have to?  Not me!  So an “easy” way of avoiding the pain was to avoid feeling proud.  No pride—no pain.  Simple.  Badda bing.  Cross that pain off the list.  No need to feel that again.

But in eliminating the pain, I eliminated the good.  I can’t seem to feel a sense of pride in anything I do.  It immediately turns into a sense of fear of the pain I “know” is just around the corner.

I’m not sure how to untwist the two.   

And I suppose that’s probably a good place to start my next conversation with Jim. 

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Thriving…..

Work’s been a bear lately.  (Groan!  Please Spudsie spare us the bear references in such a lousy bear market!  J)  Seriously, it’s been really tough.  And my attitude has been really lousy.  (See “Workplace woes” if you doubt me.)  This week I felt the lowest work-wise I’ve felt in a really long time. 

And it frustrated me.  (I’m sure there were/are other emotions tied in there….but I still have problems identifying individual emotions/ingredients in my own personal emotional stew.  I’m working on it.)

I felt like the sunflower under my bird feeder.  (Stay with me here….I like analogies and tend to find them everywhere.)  A late season sunflower started growing under my bird feeder several weeks ago.  It gave a wonderful pop of bright yellow color when most other flowers have stopped blooming.  It was really neat to see.  Sunflowers are sturdy looking flowers.  And this one was no exception.  Nice sturdy-looking broad yellow leaves.  Looked like nothing could hurt it.  I figured it would be around for a while.

I was wrong.  Unfortunately we had a light (very light) frost one night.  That was all it took.  One slight frost and the petals wilted.  The beautiful bright yellow turned a dour brown.  Farewell beautiful flower—I’m glad I appreciated your beauty while you were here.

It surprised me how little it took to “kill” the flower.  The Knock-out roses look far more delicate and they are still blooming despite the frost.  How did such a sturdy looking flower fall prey to the slightest stress?  I suppose it’s simply the nature of the plant.

This week I thought I was a lot like that sunflower.

I feel like I’m making progress with my coaching stuff.  I feel like I’m making lasting changes (small though they may be.)  I feel like I’m growing. 

And this week the little workplace stuff had finally grown to the point where it took only a few small problems to send me over the edge.  To make me want to flee.  To make me feel I’d made no progress at all. 

I felt I was a human version of the dying sunflower in my yard.

Now that I’ve let some time and space come between me and the events at work I think that’s not an accurate analogy.  I think it’s wrong.

On Tuesday I felt lousy.  At the bottom.  In a dark place.  Not a good space for Spudsie to live. 

On Wednesday there was a big lunch meeting scheduled with the owners of the company and an outside meeting facilitator.  (We’ll call the outside facilitator Jean Claude.  What?  He has to have some type of name.  😉)  Jean Claude (quit laughing) has worked with our company for years.  We have him out two or three times a year.  He helps the owners have productive meetings and helps guide their conversations.  Occasionally other employees are invited to lunch meetings with the owners and Jean Claude.

On Wednesday a large group of us were invited to have lunch and meet with Jean Claude and the owners.  The topic of conversation was “what impact does the market downturn have on our company.”  Jean Claude asked us to send in our questions ahead of time so he could create an agenda.

(This will come as no surprise to Coach Jim.)  I sent in my list of 15 questions.  (On second thought perhaps Jim would be surprised I didn’t send more questions! LOL!) 

I’ve met with and worked with Jean Claude a number of times over the past 8 years.  He’s really good at what he does.  I admire the way he seemingly effortlessly guides and directs group conversations.  I always learn something from watching him.  And he does an excellent job of creating a safe environment to have conversations with the owners.  No small feat!

The timing couldn’t have been worse.  I had been really looking forward to this lunch meeting despite the difficult and stressful topic.  I was looking forward to being able to practicing some of the new postures, new ways of carrying myself that I’ve been working on with Coach Jim.  I was really excited to see if it really made a difference—if I could really pull it off!  And then Tuesday…..I basically fell apart.  My attitude couldn’t have been much worse. 

And I was ticked that it was going to “ruin” how I wanted to show up on Wednesday.

I woke up Wednesday morning at 3 and couldn’t fall back asleep.  So that was working against me as well.  And I had a stress headache.  And I couldn’t manage to find calm.  Ugh.

I was not a happy potato.

I went into work on Wednesday morning.  There was a staff meeting.  It ran long.  That didn’t help my mood any and I was NOT a good facilitator at the staff meeting.  I tried, but my heart wasn’t in it.  So that was discouraging to me.

I had about an hour between the staff meeting and leaving for the lunch meeting.  And somewhere in that hour I made a decision. 

I decided to set aside my lousy attitude.  I decided to set aside my frustrations.  I decided to set aside my strong desire to flee.  “Hey….everything crappy in my head right now…. listen up.  I see ya.  And I’m leaving you here while I go to a lunch meeting.  If you’re still here when I get back we’ll go from there.  But you can’t come with me.”

I didn’t “feel” strong going into the lunch meeting.  And yet I decided to walk in confidently.  I had already made wardrobe and make-up choices earlier that morning that would support any confidence I could muster.  (I’m sure that confuses the heck out of you men…..women probably understand.  Some clothes really help you carry yourself more confidently.)  I decided to pay close attention to my body posture.  To keep my feet grounded.  To keep my shoulders square, not slumping and yet not tense.  I decided to make eye contact when I spoke.  I decided to breathe deeply rather than shallowly.  I decided to keep my voice lower and calm.  I decided to keep an open body posture.  I decided to set fear aside and ask the questions I wanted answered.

And the amazing thing?  I was able to do all of it.

!!!!!!

Wow!

The meeting went far too quickly.  I still had my tension headache.  And the negative feelings were knocking at the door of my mind.  I had managed to stay engaged in the conversation.  I asked my questions.  I pressed for answers when they were avoided.  I actively listened.  I carried myself well.  And still felt the darkness looming.

As we were leaving the lunch site I took 30 seconds to thank Jean Claude.  (Whoops!  I almost forgot the pen name I had given him!)  Firm handshake.  Direct eye contact.  Strong body posture.  “Thanks Jean Claude.  The conversation was great!  It’s always good to see you.”  Blah…blah…blah….

You know what he said to me?  “Thanks Spudsie.  It’s good seeing you again too.  You look like you are really thriving.”

Thriving??  Who the heck says thriving?  LOL! 

So even though I thought I looked like a dying sunflower, someone else saw me as a thriving Knock-out rose.  How cool is that?!  Maybe I need to start looking at myself as that rose.

Hmmmm…..I’ll have to work on that.

 

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Workplace woes

I’m doing something different today.  I’m writing and posting this while I’m in the middle of some really strong, negative emotions.  To date I’ve tried really hard to avoid doing that–so that I don’t write and post something I’ll regret later.

And right now I don’t even care about that.  I just need to get some of this out of my system.

I hate my job.

Yes.  I know.  “Hate” is a really strong and powerful word.  And typically I can quickly talk myself down from saying “I hate my job” to “My job frustrates me” or “There’s a lot of my job I don’t enjoy”  or “I really didn’t have a good day at work today” or even the inarticulate “Arrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh!”

I’m having problems talking myself down today.  I simply hate my job.

It drains me.  There isn’t a day I wake up and look forward to going in to work.  While there are some days when I walk away feeling satisfied with the work I’ve done, that’s as good as it gets.  It takes energy away.  It doesn’t give me more.

And today was a really bad day.  I had one employee who came up with 18 “creative” reasons (including medical ones) why he needed to continue a behavior that is disruptive to the office.  I had a manager who has not addressed performance issues with an employee (we’ll call that employee Steve) tell me they wanted to give Steve a “must improve NOW!” performance review, a formal-final performance improvement plan, and a “we are changing your job description and now you have to interview for your job in order to keep it” conversation all in one sitting.  (Mind you, Steve has no idea he’s doing anything wrong.)  And the manager was angry when I recommended combining their concerns into one performance improvement plan.  “But Steve HAS to know he’s doing stuff wrong!  Even though I haven’t told him before, he just HAS to know!.”

And that was just from 10AM until 11AM.  The rest of the day brought gifts of frustration and complaints.  And I left feeling as though I was escaping rather than simply leaving. 

If something catastrophic happened and I was unable to return to my job ever again the only thing I’d miss is the income.  And quite frankly I wouldn’t even miss the money that much.

My boss raved in my last review about what a great a job I’m doing.  That’s nice.  But I’m not getting anything out of it.  In fact I have to come home and re-charge every night just to keep going.

This isn’t living.  It’s existing.  And it’s wearing me out. 

When I got home today my mom had left a message.  After a brief conversation it turns out there was good news and bad news.

The good news?  My dad’s blood work came back MUCH better!!!  Yay!  So it looks like it’s official–his kidneys are not in immediate danger at the moment.  Phew!  Thanks God!

The bad news?  My mom had fallen and hit her head last night.  She spent time in the ER and has a huge gash in the back of her head.  She says she’s okay….just a huge headache.

And I’m so twisted in knots from work that I had a really hard time getting out of “work mode” when I talked with her. 

I’m so worn out from simply existing and getting through each day.  I can’t seem to figure out how to limit the energy that work drains from me.  And I can’t seem to figure out an alternate source of energy that’s strong enough to compensate for what work takes away. 

So yeah, I’m probably giving away waaaaaaaay to much power when I say/write this–but it’s where I am right now.  I hate my job. 

And even worse than that I’m having problems getting back to calm and staying there. 

And now I’m crying tears of frustration.  Lovely.  (Yes….that’s sarcasm….another unattractive trait I fall back on.) 

I want to get up every morning looking forward to something!  I know that my attitude is horrible.  I know that.  I’ve been trying to look for things at work that actually energize me, that build me up.  And I can’t see any yet.

They have to be there don’t they?  Why can’t I see them? 

I know I am the only one who can change my attitude.  I know I need to be able to choose to look forward to getting up every morning and going to work.  I know there’s no “magic” to make this better. 

Yet right now I’m simply stuck in “I hate my job” mode. 

I know I’ll work through this.  I know (probably by tomorrow!) I’ll be out of the “hate” mode and back to trying to find the good. 

But right now, at this very moment, I just want out.

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