Joy Journal

On a previous episode of “A Spud’s Journey to Happiness”…….a Joy Journal was mentioned.  (To be read in your best TV announcer voice…..)  In today’s episode we explore said journal….

🙂

Did anyone else grow up with this Vacation Bible School song?

“I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.

Where?

Down in my heart.

Where?

Down in my heart.

I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.  Down in my heart to stay.”

And it goes on from there…..

Anyway…I thought I’d post a slightly edited version of my joy journal/joy list here for y’all to see. 

Why?

Well…. because I’m highly self centered and assume y’all are dying of curiosity.

Snort!  Just kidding!  😉

I was talking with a friend about Jim’s challenge to create a joy list and his nudge to get me to committ to a specific number of items I’d put on the list.  When I told my friend (we’ll call her Rachel) I’d said I would committ to 100 items she gasped!

“I was thinking about something closer to seven!” exclaimed Rachel.

“Rachel, we’ve GOT to talk!”  said this potato.

When I started talking to Rachel about what I had on my list she realized she had a whole lot more than seven items she could put on her own joy list.  So somehow sharing my joy list helped her expand her own.

And my hope for posting mine here (other than having a permanent record that won’t be lost when my laptop crashes), is that it might help y’all add to your personal joy list.  Or remember things you’d forgotten about that brought (and bring) you moments of joy.

Enjoy!  🙂

1.      Lola’s!!!

2.      Michael Mina dinner (1^st time)

3.      Strip Steak bar food

4.      Restaurant Charlie’s

5.      Cheap pizza & breadstick @ food court (and conversation)

6.      Bouchon

7.      Foie Gras @ Fleur de Lys

8.      Wine flight at NC

9.      Hiking in NC

10.  Monte Cristo lunch & mountain top views NC

11.  Waterfalls in NC

12.  Solo Maine trip/visit

13.  Light house tour in Maine

14.  Lobster on the Maine beach w/Maine friends

15.  Maine with Mr. Spuds

16.  Bar Harbor w/Maine friends—Sunrise at Cadillac Mt.

17.  Ocean hike w/Mr. Spuds (ME)

18.  Popovers & lobster bisque lunch (ME)

19.  Walking across the bar (ME)

20.  Misty lake hike

21.  Singing on the granite cliffs (ME)

22.  Sea gull eating sea urchin next to a puddle (ME)

23.  Duck from NC (quacking in the parking lot)

24.  Working out w/Ellen

25.  Rosendales!!

26.  Spinel @ Bill’s (first purchase)

27.  “Firework” spinel ring

28.  Finally owning the tanzanite

29.  Talking w/Bill & Annabelle

30.  Free trip to Disney J

31.  Lunch at Canada restaurant at EPCOT

32.  Niagara on the Lake (all visits)

33.  Feeding blue jays

34.  HR4US

35.  St. Louis US trip

36.  Chihuly @ St. Louis gardens

37.  Docent-ing @ Columbus Zoo

38.  Penguins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

39.  St. Louis Zoo (behind the scenes, penguin keepers)

40.  Cincinnati Zoo  (Little Blues)

41.  Newport Aquarium (behind the scenes, penguin keeper)

42.  Baltimore- National Aquarium

43.  Cleveland & Akron zoo tour trip  J

44.  Tiffany, Lalique, etc. exhibit

45.  NOLA w/ US

46.  Vendor “whoring” (Don’t ask!!  LOL!)

47.  Dinner @NOLA Emeril’s restaurant (w/Julia, Roz, etc.)

48.  San Diego SHRM trip

49.  Dinner in San Diego w/Nancy

50.  Solo travels (NOLA, San Diego, Maine, Nashville, Chicago, Pittsburgh)

51.  LCC

52.  Worship w/Kevin King

53.  Worship nights at DCC

54.  Woodmont Hills church

55.  Mr. Spuds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

56.  The Doctor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

57.  Moments of feeling grace

58.  Moments when things (God) “click”

59.  Conversations w/God

60.  Feeling safe, feeling peace

61.  Snow crystals in the air

62.  Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens (just checking!)

63.  Theater!  (Sound of Music- R. Chamberlin)

64.  Phantom

65.  12 Angry Men (R. Thomas, G. Wendt)

66.  Big River (sign language version)

67.  Books……Amazon……Kindle

68.  Life of Pi

69.  Good Reads

70.  Conversations w/Ken regarding books

71.  Unexpected encouragement/positive feedback

72.  Sherlock Holmes

73.  2007 & 2008 SRL

74.  Dr. Who

75.  Wedding & honeymoon & marriage

76.  Finally “getting” algebra (DLU)

77.  Amnesty International (DLU)

78.  Lexus

79.  Sunny & Moe (& Tim’s generosity)

80.  Lunch  (the goldfish)

81.  Bird watching @ home

82.  Bird watching@ the zoo

83.  Polar bear playing @ the zoo

84.  Realizing Clark really did forgive me

85.  Spring—every single year!

86.  Crocus

87.  Gardening

88.  Discovering new plants

89.  Seeing the same plants 1 year later on Paul James’ TV show

90.  Realizing I have a voice

91.  Buying our home

92.  Anonymous giving (giving in general)

93.  Dropping a pant size/losing weight

94.  Mulching!!!

95.  Creating our “found” stone dry creekbed

96.  Hearing what God wants me to hear

97.  Monet paintings in St. Louis…..wow….

98.  Seeing Gus Hansen on my b-day

99.  Being able to help someone

100.  Research

101.    Being recognized (& greeted by name) at Nong’s

102.    Meeting Doris Kerns Goodwin (& being brave)

103.    NOMI dinner w/Kiwi

104.    Meeting Nancy in NOLA

105.    Trip to Indy for pancakes

106.    Trip to Indiana for Steak & Shake w/Mr. Spuds

107.    Safe travels

108.    Watson’s arrival….finally!!!

109.    Meeting Matt & his family

110.    Dayton trip- book signing for Mr. Spuds

111.    Snuggling

112.     ***censored***   J

113.    Writing

114.    Feeding birds- home, Morel’s, Bellagio

115.    Hot tea @ Bellagio poolside on a cool morning & reading

116.    Nature

117.    Learning

118.    Rachel Maddow getting her own show

119.    Zoya’s gift of a necklace

120.    Really great hair cuts

121.    Successful book recommendations to others

122.    Mycroft!

123.    Pure politics/pure government

124.    “a-ha” moments when reading the Bible

125.    Kitty…..even if she did kill a blue jay

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Selfish vs. egocentric vs. It’s all about me

What a week!  I seem to be getting “hit” by a number of the out-of-my-control migraine triggers today.  Lousy weather (I’m guessing there was a change in pressure with the storm the came in and iced everything over), hormones jumping all over the place, stress from driving on ice, and lack of sound sleep.  No wonder my head hurts!  I’m hoping to stave off a true migraine and manage the pounding will-someone-please-close-the-curtains-so-there’s-not-so-much-light headache I have right now.

I’m amazed that January is almost over……and I haven’t been doped up on Immitrex at all!  (That’s rare for a January!)  In fact April was the last time I had to take any.  Well……if I’d remembered to pack them in July I would have taken them….but that’s an entirely different story.  Anyway, the multi-day migraines feel like ancient history.  Yay!  The headaches I’m left with are MUCH more manageable—and seem to be decreasing as well.  J  Happy days!  (Adding that to my joy journal!)

This week started with a pretty intense coaching conversation with Coach Jim.  Hmmmm…. “intense” isn’t exactly the word I’m looking for.  More like “oh my word- I want to yell STOP—but don’t want to stop the conversation—but don’t know if I can translate what’s in my gut into words that make sense—and even if they make sense to me will they make sense to Jim—and if they make sense to him will he hear what I’m trying to say instead of the words I use” type of thing.

Is there a single word for that?  (If there is I’ll bet it’s a German word—along the lines of doppelganger or schadenfreude —one “word” composed of several little words to encapsulate an entire concept.  I love German words like that!!)

But I digress.

So.  Tough conversation with Jim.  At least now I know a little better what Peter (of Biblical fame) felt like when he had the “do you love me” conversation with Jesus.  To paraphrase.. Peter’s conversation went something like this,

Jesus:  Peter do you love me?

Peter:  Yes I love you!

Jesus:  Peter do you love me?

Peter:  Yes, of course I love you!

Jesus:  Peter do you love me?

Peter:  Lord, you know I love you!

Now if you’ve never hear the story before that exchange doesn’t make any much sense at all.  I gotta say I agree with you!  In the version of the Bible I grew up reading the word “love” in both Jesus’ and Peter’s quotes was the same.  In the original Greek the word “love” was one word when Jesus used it and a different word when Peter used it.  Jesus was asking if Peter loved him with a total, complete, holding-nothing-back kind of love.  And Peter answered that he loved Jesus with a friendship kind of love.

Well….that’s oversimplifying it.  And to oversimplify it even more….it was like Jesus asking “Peter, do you love me?” and Peter answering, “You know I like you.” 

In the version of the Bible I grew up reading it was a confusing conversation to read.  “What on earth?!  Isn’t Jesus even listening to Peter’s answer?  He said ‘Yes’ so why does Jesus keep asking him the same thing over and over again????  I don’t get it!”

Monday I found myself in the middle of the same type of conversation with Jim.

We were talking about conversations I’d had with people over the past couple of weeks.  I had decided to try and open up about some fairly personal stuff and try to be a more authentic Spudsie.  For whatever reason (and there are a number of them) that doesn’t come easily to me, I have to make an effort.  And it feels as though it’s a fairly risky thing to do.  But if I wanna grow I’ve gotta stretch—despite some discomfort.

The conversations left me somewhat discouraged and I talked to Jim about it.  We talked about what I was hoping for when I started the conversations with other people.  I hoped the people I talked to would listen for understanding—instead of listening to react, or to “solve” my problems.   And since I was talking with people who I trust and truly care about me they (naturally) wanted to offer advice and try to fix what was bugging me.  Which was discouraging to me.

At some point in the conversation Jim asked me, “So what would it feel like if you went into these conversations without the expectation that the person you are talking with should react the way you want them to.”

Ummmm….hold the phone there Jim.  I don’t think I AM going in with the expectation that they SHOULD react in a certain way.  I’m hoping they will.  I’d like for them to.  It would be really, really nice if they did.  But I don’t think they SHOULD.

And that’s the point where the conversation got fuzzy.  LOL!

Jim:  So what would it feel like if you went into these conversations without the expectation that the person you are talking with should react the way you want them to?

Me:  (Really, really long pause)  I don’t have a clue how to answer that.  I don’t think I DO go in thinking they SHOULD react in a specific way.  It would be nice if they did.  If they chose to.  But I don’t assign that “SHOULD” to them.  It’s their choice.

Jim:  You’d like them to listen to understand, correct?

Me:  Yeppers.

Jim:  So what would it be like if you didn’t think they should do that?

Me:  ?!?!  But I don’t think I do think they SHOULD listen for understanding.  I’d like for them to.  I’m not requiring them to.

Jim:  So how would the conversation go differently if you didn’t think they should listen for understanding?

Me:  (tapping the microphone)….hello…..is this thing on??  Jim, I’m trying really hard to listen to what you are saying.  I just don’t think that’s what I’m doing.  Maybe I’m arguing semantics…….I don’t think I hold the belief that someone else SHOULD listen for understanding.  I would like for them to.  It would make the conversation easier for me.  But SHOULDs aren’t something I can put on someone else.  They have to choose how to listen.  I can’t assign a SHOULD to them.  And, truly, not to be argumentative, I don’t feel I go into conversations thinking someone else SHOULD react in a certain way.  It’s totally their choice.  I can’t dictate to them how they SHOULD listen or respond.  I don’t demand that of them.  I don’t start conversations with ‘here’s how you SHOULD treat me’ that sounds totally selfish….”

Jim:  Whoa there potato…..I think you’re right.  It’s semantics.  ‘Should’ is a pretty specific word/has a strong meaning for you.  I think we are saying the same thing—just using different words.  And is it wrong/a bad thing to be selfish?

Me:  Oh yeah, selfish isn’t good.  That’s a problem.  And SHOULD is a really powerful word for me.

And the conversation went on from there.  It probably doesn’t read as confusing as it was in person.  LOL!  And I’m paraphrasing what I remember of it….what I heard….not Jim’s exact words.  So a third party eavesdropping would probably have a completely different understanding of what was said.  Grin!  We worked through it and moved on.  It turns out we were really saying the same thing…..though I don’t know that Jim will ever use the word “should” in a conversation with me without having a flashback!  😉

Oddly enough the thing that has stuck with me about our conversation is the one thing he let go without a comment.  I’m pretty sure he was thinking it…..thinking it loudly enough that I heard it.  (Or maybe I’m reading waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much into nothing…which wouldn’t be a first for me!)  He didn’t say anything about my lightning quick “shelfish is bad” answer.  I think I may have detected the slightest pause while he had the internal debate “do I want to get off subject and talk about this now or just let it go for the moment?” but he didn’t say anything.

And I find myself wondering…..how does Jim define selfish?  Is it different than how I define it?  When he asks, “Is it wrong for Spudsie to be selfish?” does he mean what I hear? 

To me selfish is this.  I do what I want, what I think is good and right for me with NO REGARD for anyone else.  I do what I want regardless of the cost to anyone else.  I do what I want and the rest of the world be damned.  It’s all about me. ME.  ME.  ME.  I don’t care about anyone else but me.  If something I do hurts you—too bad!  Didn’t you hear?  It’s all about me.

And that’s bad.  That’s not good.  That’s…..well…that’s just selfish.  And wrong.

There are a lot of times when I make decisions that are in my own best interest.  There are times when I weigh my options and decide to choose what’s good for me over what might be equally good for someone else.  For example, spending an undisclosed (cough, cough, don’t ask!) amount of money on 3 purses and 2 wallets at the Kate Spade outlet store at Christmas was ALL about me!  Are there other things I could have used the money for?  Yep!  I could have donated it to one of the charities Mr. Spuds and I support.  I could have mailed it to my sister.  I could have spent it on bird food.  I could have donated it in someone’s name to a charity they support.  I could have bought my Happiness coach a Kindle!  (J)  There are a million other things I could have done with the money that would have helped someone else—that would have put their needs/interests in front of my own.  And still I chose to spend it on me! 

To some that may seem selfish.  (Clark Kent-if you are reading I KNOW you are thinking I could have self-lessly spent it on Williams Sonoma stuff for you right?? J LOL!)  To me that wasn’t selfish.  My company did very well in 2008 and gave me a generous year-end bonus.  Mr. Spuds and I sat down and spent time deciding what to give to others, what to save, what to set aside for future unforeseen expenses, and what I could use as “new purse” money.  (Guess which category was my favorite)  It was a deliberate decision—where I weighed what I wanted and what others might need/want.  And I arrived at a balance that was acceptable for me.  I didn’t feel selfish or self centered in that decision.  I felt well balanced.

So the decision to spend the “new purse” money didn’t feel like a selfish one.  It took into account other people.  At the same time it was not a self-less decision.  Clearly I decided my wants ranked higher than the Columbus Zoo’s need for additional money for a Polar Bear exhibit, or for my former church’s need to pay off debt. 

If it wasn’t self-less and wasn’t selfish…..what was it?  How do I define it?

Hmmmmmmm…..I don’t know.  Maybe I need to redefine my words.

Is there a way I can re-define “selfish” to be something different than “it’s all about me I don’t care about you at all”?  Or is there a different word I can use?  Or a different way of looking at the concept?

One of the synonyms for selfish is egocentric—meaning (almost literally) “me at the center.”  And there are times where “me at the center” is how I have to make decisions.  If I made decisions that always had my company at the center I’d never leave the office.  If I made decisions that always have other people at the center I’d never spend the time and effort to work with a Happiness coach to work on growing.  If my decisions NEVER have me at the center I’d say “yes” to everything everyone asked me to do and never have time to keep any of the commitments.

And that’s no way to live.  Yech.  Clearly I need to choose to put myself at the center of some of my decisions—and I do.  So at times I’m egocentric.  So by definition does that mean at times I’m selfish?  Hmmmm….. “selfish” has such strong negative connotations for me I’m not sure I can redefine it that easily.   “Selfish” still feels like “it’s ALL about me all of the time” when in reality it’s only “ALL” about me when I choose to make decisions all about me.  Deliberately.  Intentionally.  With knowledge (and sometimes with a bit of sadness) that I’m giving up some of my ability to meet the desires of another person.

This is tough for me.

Or…………………… maybe instead of trying to redefine “selfish” I could stop reading so much into half-second pauses Jim has in our conversations.  😉  Hmmmmmm……..that might be easier!

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Joy

Evidently I’ve been missed.  Friends from Maine to Nashville to Colorado have been e-mailing, writing, and sending good wishes and encouragement my way recently.  (Who knew Supdsie was a nation-wide phenomenon?!  ;-))   And to a person they’ve all expressed some degree of concern at my blog absence.

First and foremost (does anyone besides me say that anymore???), than you sooooo much for the warm wishes, thoughts, cards (thanks Doctor!), etc.  Hmmmmm….I feel like I’m listening to a thank you card being read at the church where I grew up.  “Mr. Spuds and I would like to thank everyone in the congregation for the prayers, thoughts, cards and meals while we have been going through….”  Wait!  I didn’t get any meals from y’all!  Where are the meals???  LOL!!  Just kidding!  J

Seriously, thank you for your notes.  They are greatly appreciated.

I’m hanging there.  I’m not in the good mental/emotional place I want to me.  But I’m getting there.  And any progress is good!  I’m still working my way out of my funk and haven’t really felt like writing anything.  Haven’t felt like I had anything to say….other than grumbling.  And who wants to read a blog full of whining and complaining?  No one I can think of—with the possible exception of Grumpy, the dwarf. 

So, what’s new in this potato’s life?  Not much.  I’m still working with Coach Jim.  (Hiya Jim!)  I’ve watched a fair number of movies recently…..haven’t really been able to focus on books so I’ve tried to catch up.  I went to see “Doubt” by myself while Mr. Spuds was out of town.  That was probably the wrong movie to watch by myself—I wanted to sit down with people and talk about it as soon as it was over.  What was the symbolism with the light bulb?  How many different layers of doubt were explored?  Was one doubt stronger?  Did doubt “win” in the end?  Is anyone certain of anything?   Sigh.  But instead I went home and watched Dr. Who.  (Not an altogether bad thing!  Though I’m bummed that David Tennant is leaving the role………siiiiiiiiiigh….)

I’m trying to get back to my books.  I certainly have enough of them!  Mycroft is nowhere near full, but has a goodly number of unread books.

What’s that?  Who’s Mycroft?  Oh.  I forgot to mention it.  I’ve named my Kindle.  J  Yes, that does cement my total geek status.  And oddly enough, that’s a source of joy for me.  J

One of the things Coach Jim has me working on is a joy journal.  (Or something like that.  Maybe it’s a joy list?  I don’t remember.  I keep calling it a joy journal.  The alliteration flows much better than joy list.)

Jim has defined joy as, “Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness; the expression or manifestation of such feeling; a source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction.”  Basically (a gross oversimplification on my part here) joy is happiness on steroids. 

So I’ve spent a good deal of time this past week thinking about things that bring me (or have brought me) joy.  It’s been fun!  There are the “typical” joy laden things you might expect—vacations, a wedding, food, people, bird-watching, etc.  And today I added another item to the list.

“Pure government/pure politics”

Yeah…if my geek status wasn’t secured before it is now.  LOL!

I love what’s happening today.  I have a great sense of joy!  I took today off work to stay home and watch the inauguration.  The peaceful passing of power to a new leader is extraordinary.  It really is!  I’m grinning ear to ear and crying at the same time. 

I love listening to and watching the campaigns.  The debates are awesome!  It’s amazing how so many people who all want “what’s best for America” can have so many different views and opinions on just what is “best” for the country.  And they all believe it so passionately!  You can hear it in their voice tones as they argue on morning talk shows.  You can see it in their facial expressions as they listen to opponents express opposing views.  You can feel it if you are ever in a room with them.  It’s impressive.

And to watch today the way everyone comes together to pass power from one leader to the next, with no malice, with no (obvious) bitterness, with no hatred…..it’s a joyous occasion.  It’s one of the most incredible things about our nation.  There may be words used as weapons during campaigns, but in the end they all recognize what an impossible job it is to be President of the United States. 

I just love this stuff!  It’s not the fighting, it’s not the arguments, it’s not the “who can talk the loudest to be heard at the expense of anyone else with an idea.”  It’s pure government.  It’s altruistic. 

Yes, yes.  They all have egos beyond belief.  I get that.  But that makes it even more impressive to me.  They have to work to overcome those egos, or at least learn to set them aside.  Being President comes at a huge cost.  One most of us would not be willing to pay.  Or at least I wouldn’t.  How they manage to keep a hold of any sense of self in that role is beyond my understanding.  So many people talking in your ear—either telling you what they think you want to hear, or trying to find some way to get you to decide things the way they want them decided.  How do you discern truth?  How do you keep hold of your core values, your core self under such unbelievable pressure?

The mind boggles.

Days like today bring out the best in our government and in our politicians. 

And that brings me great joy.

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Feelin’ a little down

This potato’s feeling a little down right now.  December is always a…..well….let’s just say it’s always a challenging month for me.  Work turns into craziness—even more than normal!  J  And everyone and their brother want to get together for the holidays.  It seems as though there is no “down” time for Spudsie to catch her breath.

I had been hoping this past December would be better.  I’ve been practicing living rather than existing for several months right?  So that should help.  Right?

Based on my noticeable absence from my blog (and from much of life) it seems this December wasn’t much different.  And that’s discouraging to me.

I’ve been off work since noon on December 24^th and still feel like I can’t catch my breath.  Christmas eve church service.  Christmas Day.  Post Christmas shopping.  (Totally fun!!!)  Christmas with the in-laws.  Having our 10 year old nephew with us briefly.  A couple of days to catch up on housework and learning how to use the Wii Fit (which is really cool!).  New Year’s eve.  New Year’s day.  Phew!

And now I’m off to Cleveland.  Yup.  Mr. Spuds and I are driving a couple of hours for a belated New Year’s dinner at Lola’s.  Yum!!!  It’s well worth the drive.  I’m drooling just thinking about it.  And tomorrow visiting the Cleveland Art museum.  So it feels like it’s still a busy weekend.  And next week Mr. Spuds will be out of town for a family member’s surgery.  And then he will be traveling to Phoenix for work.  I’m not sure when things will get back to “normal.”

Good stuff is happening.  And I still have an overall sense of discouragement.  I’ve got a few things outside of my control working against me—cold and grey weather, hormones, limited hours in the day.  I feel like I don’t have the energy to do much of anything.  I’ve been able to spend 30-60 minutes every day working out with the Wii Fit program.  But that’s about it.  I haven’t been able to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard ;-)), I haven’t had the focus to read, I haven’t found the energy to organize the stuff that needs organized around the house.  I just feel blah.

Not the way I wanted to start the year.

Does anyone else feel “blah” and unfocused?  I look at my goals and they seem unreachable.  I feel as though I’ve spent months learning how to make different, deliberate choices in my life but still haven’t changed how I feel about myself at all.  I battle to make different choices and have success.  Yet it doesn’t feel real.  Where’s the victory?  Where’s the celebration?  Where’s the sense of accomplishment?  Why do I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and sit in a dark corner?

I don’t like feeling this way.  It is what it is I suppose.  And will pass soon enough.  I’ll find some way to make some small choice.  And hopefully that will lead to being able to make bigger choices.  And hopefully eventually that will lead to me getting back on track.  Hopefully I’ll eventually get back to a more energized, forward-moving Spudsie.

In all honesty though, right now I’d much rather just sit here and do nothing. 

And that’s really not the person (or potato) I want to be.

So what do y’all do to get yourself back on track?  What works for motivating you to re-join life?  To run back into battle?  To choose happiness?

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There and back again……a potato’s tale

(With apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien)

Has everyone heard the saying “The more things change, the more they stay the same?”  That’s a little of how I’ve been feeling over the last few days.  I’ve been feeling bleakness, boredom, confusion, dejection, frustration, lethargy……yeah, that’s right…..I’ve been reading Coach Jim’s list of emotions trying to name some of my emotions hoping against hope that if I can at least give them a name I can help move them along, or move away from them.

Phew!  That was one heck of a long, run-on, grammatically incorrect sentence!  J

Essentially I’m still feeling down in the dumps.  And it’s no fun.  I found myself crying at work for absolutely no reason.  (Or at least no work related reason.)  Trying to write about it has only tempted me to wallow in it more—so I’m not writing about it for now.

Instead I’ve decided to write about fun stuff!!  I know they (whoever “they” are!) say what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.  But really, what fun is that?!  I’ve decided to write about my awesome recent trip to Vegas.

What would you (my eight faithful readers ;-)) like to read about?  I’ll give you some topics to choose from.  What intrigues y’all the most?

·         Finding redemption on the casino floor

·         Hands of an angel

·         Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Johnny Depp, Patrick Stewart, George Clooney and Joe Montana!

·         “I can’t eat that!”

·         How many TV sets???

·         Harold and the crumbs (aka Spudsie is incorrigible)

·         How many bottles of hotel shampoo can you pack in a quart Ziploc bag?  (That one’s for you Doctor!  ;-))

Anything strike your fancy?  It was such a fun trip—even with an injury!  Going to Vegas always feels like a great journey—wonderful surprises continually astonish me from unexpected places and ways and people.  Granted it’s not nearly as epic or significant as a Bilbo Baggins journey…….but it’s just as fun to me!  (And it doesn’t involve fire breathing dragons!)

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Small successes

Here’s a quick update on yesterday’s post.

I survived the evening. 

😉

Okay…..I did slightly better than just surviving.  (Grin!)  It was good.  I managed to be much more open than I would have been six months ago.  So I’m really happy about that!!  Being open (at least IRL) isn’t easy for me.  It’s truly a deliberate choice I have to make—it doesn’t come naturally.

Going into a group of 9 people I’ve never met before isn’t the problem for me.  I’ve learned how to engage people and get them talking about themselves.  I ask basic questions, listen to the answers, scan my brain for quick follow up questions that relate to their answers, and try to have them talk about themselves as much as possible.  And since most people love to talk about themselves, it’s pretty easy for me to come away without needing to “give away” too much information about me. 

If they say something that triggers a “Hey, I’ve done that/been there/know them too” type of response I’ll toss that out there.  And then follow up with questions about them again.  So I leave little clues about who I am in the conversation.   Knowing full well no one will pick up on them.

Occasionally someone will surprise me and remember something I said and mention it later in a conversation.  And I typically take that as a sign that they really do want to get to know me.  That they aren’t just being polite.  So I open up a little more.  I become a little less guarded.

But most of the time I try to keep people talking about their own life.  While it is a completely defensive way to walk through life, it also provides me with amazing information about people.  So it’s clearly a skill worth hanging onto, worth keeping in my tool belt.  I simply need to add some additional tools into the mix.

And I tried to do that last night.

Scratch that.

That’s what I DID last night.

I was more open, more authentic, more ME last night than I typically am with a brand new group of people.  Yay me!

Was I as open during the entire evening as I wanted to be?  Nope.

And I’m okay with that.  Clearly there is still a bunch of room for growth.  But I’m making progress.  Eye contact much of the time (except when I fell back into avoiding it), feet firmly on the ground (except when I fidgeted), shoulders fairly square (that was probably the biggest physical challenge….I’ll have to work on that more), fairly open body posture (arms not crossed at all—so that’s awesome!).  Lots of little things I managed to do some/much of the evening.

 I was open (for at least part of the evening) with my spirit.  We had a group prayer and I volunteered to pray for a specific area.  So that’s kinda cool—praying is a pretty personal thing for me.  Before communion was served/shared (the reason Mr. Spuds and I went to the group in the first place), we all went to individual spaces and wrote a note to God.  And then came back as a group and read the note out loud.  I wrote a personal note—since I knew I would be reading it in front of everyone I left some things out.  But I left a lot of pretty personal stuff in as well.

Here’s what I said to God.  (I want to record this here so I’ll remember it and be able to look back in 6 months and see exactly where I was.  And by writing it down, I feel like it helps me keep saying it to God.)

God,

You know how hard it is for me to think of you as Father, as Daddy, and feel that part of your love and protection.

I thank you for your never-ending love, patience and gentleness with me as I try to grow more comfortable with that aspect of you.  And as I try to grow into the person you want me to be—and know I am capable of being.

I am overjoyed with the people you have brought into my life in the past year to help me see myself more like you see me—and help me see you more accurately, more wholly, and more holy. 

I love you.  I thank you.  You are amazing in ways I don’t even understand!

(See….even in group settings with strangers I’m still long-winded!  LOL!)

That’s a fairly personal, honest, authentic prayer.  And I cried while reading it.  I cried while listening to the music they played before writing it.  It was a crying centered in calm.  Which is totally new for me!

During the evening I did a fair amount of checking my posture, checking my energy, checking myself overall.  It helped.

At the same time, it was still really, really, REALLY hard.  Really.

Was it worth it?  I think so.  I hope so.  Yeah…..it probably was.  If nothing else it was a great way to practice combining a lot of the things I’ve been working on with Coach Jim.  All of ‘em at the same time takes oodles of energy!  And I know that’s primarily because it’s all still new to me.  If I do it more, it will become easier.  So in the long run it will definitely be worth it! 

If the be-all end-all result of doing this was how I felt at the end of last night, I would have to say it wouldn’t have been worth it.  Because I walked away with a fair amount of frustration.  Frustration that there were periods of time where I wasn’t fully engaged.  When I simply sat and withdrew into myself.  When I wanted someone to reach out to me.

And that’s the down side (if there is one!) to practicing this with a group of strangers.  They have no idea who I am.  They don’t know what I’m struggling with.  They see me a little differently than anyone else because I’m presenting myself differently than I have in the past. 

I don’t think I’m articulating this very well.  Ugh. 

Essentially there are things I feel good about from last night, and thing I feel less-than-good about. 

Overall?  If I had it to do all over again, I’d make the same choice.  The choice to commit to walking in and being as open as I could be.  Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to do everything I wanted to do wouldn’t change that.  It was a great practice—and we all know I need to practice!!

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Odds ‘n ends….from a new perspective

So I was talking with Coach Jim this morning (more on that later) and he observed, “You haven’t written much on your blog this week.”  Or something like that.

“Yeah Jim, I was sick half of last week and didn’t really have the energy to write much.”

That’s what I said out loud.  What I thought was……well…..let’s just say it was an overreaction.  Totally defensive.

“What?  A potato can’t have an off week?!  Blogging is something I do for me—whenever I feel like it.  Whenever I want to.  It’s not a requirement.  It’s something I enjoy doing when I chose to do it.  Besides, I posted quite the insightful post on Friday night if-I-do-say-so-myself!  And my gratitude journal’s been pretty active.  Whadda ya mean I’ve been quiet?!”

Ummmm…..overreacting much there Spudsie?  LOL!  J

The astute reader will note that Jim simply made an observation.  And internally I reacted as though he’d made an assessment.  (Evidently I was not being an astute listener.)  Clearly someone was making an assessment about my lack of writing.  It wasn’t Jim.  It was ME!

True, I was sick part of last week.  And my brain didn’t work very well those 3 or 4 days.  Beyond that I still hadn’t taken much time to write.  And clearly I’ve been aware of that and feeling a little guilty. 

I’ve had tons of stuff floating through my head.  I’ve started a dozen blog entries in my head.  The words have never made their way to e-paper.  And that’s because I’ve been actively avoiding writing.  I have something new that I keep saying I want to start.  And truth be told, I DO want to start working on it.  And at the same time it frightens me a little bit.  I want to tackle some deeper stuff (that will probably never be posted publically….at least not in an unexpurgated form) that’s packed full of emotional baggage.  And that’s a little frightening to me.  Even though I’m totally in control of the process (which is comforting to the control freak in me!) I’m still not sure how it will play out.  What the end result will be.  Will it help me?  How painful will it be emotionally?

And the more I put it off, the more daunting it becomes.  So as soon as I’m done with this piece, I’m going to start it.  (Any bets on how long I’ll work on this to avoid the new stuff??  LOL!)

In the meantime…..here are some bits and pieces, some odds ‘n ends that are floating around my head, begging to be let out.

Church.  Mr. Spuds and I have been visiting a new church.  I’ve mentioned it a few times lately.  I really enjoy it.  And typically on Sunday afternoons I want to come home and write about the sermon.  I haven’t been doing that as often as I’d like to, so I’m going to try to change that in the future.  The sermons are really, really good!  Tom’s delivery is terrific, open and authentic.  And the material is easily accessible—or at least it is to my brain.  It makes me think.  I love that!

The last few weeks have been about marriage.  How to build a stronger one.  How to improve the one you have.  How to enjoy your marriage.  I’ve been really encouraged by the lessons.  I feel (and I believe Mr. Spuds would agree with me) that my marriage to Mr. Spuds is awesome!  We don’t really fight—sometimes we grumble at each other, and I can be a bear (to put it mildly) to be around when I have a migraine—yet overall we get along remarkably well.  He’s my best friend and I love spending time with him.  I know he loves me—there’s no question in my mind that he will love me always.  (He and I both think of love as a decision as well as an emotion.)  It’s a very safe, secure place to be.  And I treasure it.

Given my nature, I tend to listen to sermons to learn where I need to improve, where I need to change.  Or on really down days, to learn what I’m doing wrong.  This series of sermons has been wonderful because I’ve been able to see this is an area where I’m doing good!  And I walked away each week encouraged.  Yay!

More odds ‘n ends…..

Coach Jim often mentions in his newsletters (may I interrupt myself here for just a moment?  His monthly Happiness newsletters are awesome!  I know once a month, every month, something will appear in my e-mail inbox full of positivity and happiness and concrete, practical ways to make changes to help me choose happiness.  It rocks!!!  If you’re curious here’s a link to the archived newsletters.  Seriously…check it out!  It’s the only newsletter I read without exception every month—several times.)….where was I ?  Oh yeah……

Coach Jim often mentions in his newsletters how helpful it can be to simply change your perspective.  To look at things from a different angle.  Literally.  Travel a different route to work.  Sit in a different spot in the company cafeteria.  Visit a different church. You get the idea.  His suggestion is spot on!  It’s so easy for me to get into a “rut,” into a routine (even a “good” one) that I can lose sight of other possibilities.

Mr. Spuds and I had decided to visit other churches before the last newsletter where Jim mentioned changing perspectives.  That newsletter arrived the week before we actually went to a different church.  At the time I remember thinking, “Too funny!  I’ve already planned to visit another church.  Wonder if anything will jump out at me now that I’m thinking about it with a Happiness mind frame?”

And several things have.  Some of them immediately.  And some of them over time.  I hadn’t even realized what I was missing in the church Mr. Spuds and I had regularly attended for 8 years.  Yet the first week we visited the new church, BAM!, it was obvious what had been eating away at me.  Pretty cool stuff! 

 More perspective odds ‘n ends….

Without even realizing it I’ve settled into a routine of a time and place for conversations with Coach Jim.  We typically talk on a Monday evening around 5pm-ish.  (Go ahead and laugh Jim…..I know you want to.  J There’s nothing “ish” about the time I call. If the clock says 5pm you KNOW your phone will be ringing. LOL!)  And I typically close myself in the room where I’m currently writing.

The space is a fairly emotional space for me.  Recently it’s been all good emotions.  Hmmm…that’s not exactly right.  Some of the stuff I write about is really difficult and emotionally challenging.  But this chair is the one space where I’ve been able to repeatedly work through the painful emotions and move on to calm.  So it’s got good karma right now. 

Of course it’s also the place where I recline and hold my head in my arms and pray to God Almighty that the migraine I’m feeling will pass.  But somehow that energy’s been replaced with a much more upbeat, encouraging energy from writing.  And from talking with Jim.

Am I rambling?  Yeah…probably.  Regardless, the physical space I’m in when typically talking with Jim is emotional.  It’s the place where I’ve practiced (more than any place else) accessing different emotions and exploring them. 

Our schedules didn’t match up to talk today at 5pm-ish.  So instead we talked this morning.  And I decided since I would have the house to myself I would sit at the kitchen table when I talked with him.  An emotionally neutral space.  A different perspective.

It was pretty cool!   Until today I hadn’t realized how much emotional stuff I’ve dealt with in this chair.  I hadn’t realized what a warm, fuzzy cocoon of emotional exploration it had become.  Until I stepped away from it I didn’t see it.

Sometimes I don’t see the most powerful tools in my life because I’ve looked at them the same way for so long.  I don’t realize they have changed, morphed, evolved.  Looking at things from a new perspective is an amazing tool. 

Guess that’s another one I can add to my tool belt!

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Go Endeavour, go! (AKA Thank you Mr. Wilber)

I was watching (okay…..technically I was listening) to “Hardball” on MSNBC when I glanced at the TV.  I saw that MSNBC had “broken in” with footage of the launch of the Endeavour shuttle.  Cool!  I muted the volume and watched the launch.  It was great!

Launches of the Space Shuttle mean a little more to me than to most Buckeyes.  (Or at least I assume they do.  I could be wrong!)  I grew up in Central Florida.  My dad worked (and works) at the Kennedy Space Center.  The high school I attended was literally across the river from where the Space Shuttle was launched.

Riding the bus to school we passed businesses that always put signs out encouraging the most current Shuttle launch.  (“Go STS 28 Go!”  “God bless our astronauts!”  That type of thing.) It was pretty neat. 

At least it was neat until late January, 1986.  It seems almost like a stereotype, but it’s true.  By that point the Shuttle launches had become so routine that we didn’t really give too much thought to them. My memories from this day are really strong—as are the memories of so many other people.

That launch of the Shuttle had been delayed more than once.  The weather must have been cold, or otherwise lousy.  (As I read the notes of the time it becomes clear it was cold, but my memories aren’t clear as to why the weather was lousy, just that it was lousy.)  I went about my normal freshman year day in high school.  Fifth period was the lunch period.  Half a class.  A bell rang.  Lunch.  Then back for the rest of the class period.  (Or something like that.)  Back in Mr. Cleavenger’s English class.  We heard the familiar sonic boom that meant the Shuttle had broken through the sound barrier.

I remember Mr. Cleavenger saying something like, “Oh good!  They must have finally managed to launch!.”  And I remember trying to peer out the windows to see if we could see the vapor stream.  The launches were so “routine” at that point that they didn’t let us out of class to watch them.

Even as we were “discretely” trying to peer out the windows and Mr. Cleavenger was trying to teach us, the Principal squawked over the intercom.  My memory here fails me slightly.  I don’t remember exactly what he said.  Whatever it was, it sent us all running (literally) outside.  And we stared at the sky.

This is wrong.  This is so wrong. 

Silence.

This isn’t what the vapor stream is supposed to look like.

Silence.

The vapor stream doesn’t fall back to earth.

Silence.

Dear God in heaven.  What happened?

Bells rang indicating that we all needed to move to our 6^th period class.

Mr. Randy Wilber’s World History class. 

My favorite class of my freshman year.  Mr. Wilber was awesome!  (Well……he was a great teacher…and my best friend and I had a HUGE crush on him!)  His class that day was eerily silent.  Christa McAuliffe had won the coveted “teacher in space” spot on that Shuttle launch.  There had been tons of press about it.  And all students in Mr. Wilber’s class were aware of that even more—because Mr. Wilber had also applied for that program.  And had made it through a number of “cuts.”  Ultimately Christa had won the coveted spot, but we all imagined that it could have just as easily been Mr. Wilber in the Shuttle.

He was always a quiet teacher.  But this day he was even quieter.  We didn’t study anything.  Lesson plans meant nothing.  We somehow counted the minutes until the end of the period.  And through the end of the next period.  And then we all went home.

The entire bus drive home we still saw the remnants of the tragedy in the sky.  It was horrible.  At home I did nothing but watch the TV.  And felt completely numb.  It was horrible.

My dad was not the only one who worked at the Space Center.  Most of my friends had family members who worked at the Space Center as well.  Some of them even knew the astronauts personally.   We were all numb.  We all walked around in a daze.  It was surreal.  And horrible.

I don’t really remember the exact passage of days.  Of time.  I know it moved on, but it all blurs together in many ways.

Side note- I’m an odd duck.  I always have been.  In a good way…but I’m odd.  And here’s where my “oddness” shows up in this sequence of events.

I felt bad for Mr. Wilber.  Really bad.  Even as a freshman in high school I could see that he was impacted in a really personal way by this tragedy.  Differently than other adults around me.  And my young heart hurt for him.  I wanted to do something to help.  And I couldn’t really think of anything.  So I ended up leaving a card or note or something like that expressing my sympathy for him.  Telling him….well….I don’t really remember exactly what I said.  Only that I knew he was hurting and that he was in my prayers.  And that while I didn’t understand everything, I knew he felt really connected to the teacher in space program and to Christa. 

And I thought that was the end of it.

But it wasn’t.

Our high school invited a group of students to gather in the school library to watch the national memorial service for the astronauts.  Somehow, and to this day I’m not sure how, some of my friends and I were invited to join this group.  Maybe it was all of Mr. Wilber’s 6^th period history class—I’m not really sure.  All I know is that I was in the library with some of my friends and teachers and school administration members watching the memorial service.

Anyone who knows me now (or who knew me then) knows that I keep my feelings inside.  I keep them really, REALLY private.  I don’t show them.  It’s something I’m working on changing now… and it’s a struggle.  As a young teenager in high school, they were almost entirely internalized.  I was a female, “human” version of Mr. Spock.  Or a female Sherlock Holmes.

Near the end of the memorial service something strange happened.  I had what felt like an explosion of odd feelings inside of me.  (Looking back it was clearly grief….but I didn’t really understand that at the moment.)  I felt the tears welling up.  I knew I could control them—could stop them.  But I was wrong.  They fought their way up.

As the televised service ended I found myself in tears.  Not unlike the majority of the others in the library.

Unlike the others, I couldn’t stop them.  I found myself weeping uncontrollably.  I remember my friend Jeannie trying to comfort me.  It didn’t work.  I was too far gone.  I was in the middle of a “grief attack.”  I couldn’t stop crying.  My head buried in my arms folded on top of the table.  Not caring what anyone else saw.  What anyone else thought.  Simply grieving.  Uncontrollably.

The room slowly emptied out.  One by one my friends left.  Even Jeannie.  (Looking back, I’m sure someone encouraged her to move along.  That they would take care of me.  Otherwise she would not have left.) 

The next thing I remember was finally lifting up my head.  And the person who had their arm around me, the person comforting me was Mr. Wilber.  In my grief I didn’t even register any surprise that it was a teacher, and not one of my friends, who was there.  I just continued to cry.

In a clear sign that God truly is ALWAYS in control of everything, it turned out that Mr. Wilber had a free class period.  As I calmed down, he walked me back to his World History classroom. 

A note about the school’s layout.  A walk from the library back to Mr. Wilber’s room was quite a lengthy one.  In fact, it passed by windows for literally half of the school.  As an incredibly private person even as a teenager, it would normally have seemed a fate worse than death (!) to walk along that path visibly crying and upset.  But that day it didn’t phase me at all.

Okay.  It didn’t bother me too much.  I was definitely aware of being visible to half of the school.   

Mr. Wilber walked me back to his classroom.  I don’t remember exactly how we made it back to the classroom.  Did I carry my books or did he?  Did he guide me by the elbow?  Did he have a comforting arm around my shoulder?  Regardless of the physical comfort, he mentally and emotionally comforted me.

He asked me about my other experiences with death.  Had I lost anyone else close to me?   Were there recent tragedies in my life?  I shared with him a little about my grandmother’s death the previous summer.  And we talked about that for a little while.  And we talked about coping with loss in general.

Looking back, he was a really, really good precursor to Coach Jim.  Someone to help guide me through really complex emotions.  To be a voice outside of myself bringing some reason and understanding to me.  Thanks God for sending Mr. Wilber to my school and to me!

Mr. Wilber helped calm me and made sure I had a way to get home.  (I’d been crying so long I missed my bus!)  He was truly an angel that day.

And I thought that was the end of it.  I (sadly) managed to put my emotion-free mask back on rather quickly.  I took some kidding from some of my friends—who all knew what a huge crush I had on Mr. Wilber.  But that day wasn’t about a teenage crush.  It was about someone reaching out to me and helping without judging.  That was a new experience for me.  One that gave me hope, even though I didn’t realize it until years later.

But that wasn’t the end of it.  God (using Mr. Wilber) had one more surprise for me.  One more bit of comfort.  One more bit of showing me that I am worth concern.  That I am worth compassion.  That I am worth love.

One day (and I don’t remember how much later this was—it couldn’t have been too long) I noticed something in my stack of books as I left Mr. Wilber’s World History class.  I remember this really well—there had been a test that day.  One I hadn’t felt prepare for.  Mr. Wilber always walked up and down the aisles during tests.  And he was a bit of a “neat freak” and would occasionally stop to straighten things in the aisles.  (Or at least that’s my perception of him.)  So when he stopped near my desk I didn’t think anything of it.  My mask was fully back in place and I was concentrating on the test that I was unprepared for.

When I left the classroom I realized there was something pink sticking out of my stack of books and folders.

“What the heck is this??”

I took a look.  It was a card envelope (presumably with a card inside!) with my name on the front.

?????

As I opened it I started to cry again.  It was a beautiful sympathy card with an amazing, comforting Helen Steiner Rice poem.  And with an equally amazing hand written note from Mr. Wilber.

The personal note is still too personal to share.  Or at least it is to me.  I treasure this memory.  Compassion.  Comfort.  Love.  Unsought.  Unasked for.  Freely given. 

To me!!!  Of all people, to me!

Even as I think about it, as I remember it now, I almost don’t believe it.  I didn’t do anything to earn it.  I didn’t deserve it. 

Yet it was clear I needed it.

And Mr. Randy Wilber allowed God to use him to provide me that compassion.  That comfort.  That love. 

My crush on Mr. Wilber didn’t change.  It didn’t grow stronger, and it didn’t go away.  It remained the teenage crush it was.

But that day I added (without realizing it) a different love and appreciation for Mr. Wilber that will be with me until I die.  He showed me I was worth time, effort, compassion, love.  Did he realize he made a life-long difference in my life?  I doubt it.  Do any of us realize when we make that kind of a difference in a person’s life?  Not very often.  It’s so often the little things, the things we do without thinking twice, that make a huge impression. 

Mr. Wilber, thank you.  For everything.  It meant more than you could ever know.  Thank you.

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Learning to listen

If you’ve followed my blog postings at all you probably know one of the things I admire most about Coach Jim is his amazing skill in listening—really listening and hearing things I don’t even realize I’m communicating.  It’s kinda spooky! 

I suspect a few of you are thinking, “Yeah Spudsie, we get it.  He’s a good listener.  You’ve only said that like, oh…. a MILLION TIMES!  Let’s move on.”  LOL!  Mr. Spuds is probably the only reader who really “gets” what I’m saying.  Weeks after meeting Coach Jim, Mr. Spuds would exclaim at seemingly random moments, “Jim’s really, really, REALLY good at listening.”  (Please note the absence of an exclamation point.  Mr. Spuds said it with an almost reverent awe.  And I don’t think an exclamation point would communicate reverent awe. 😉 )

So.  Why am I mentioning it again?  When I notice and find myself really admiring traits and skills in others I try to look for ways to improve those things into my life.  If it’s something I value in someone else chances are that it is worth either adding to my tool belt, or upgrading it to a better version if I already have it as a tool.

So I’ve been looking at my own listening skills.  And I’ve been trying to be more aware of when listening comes naturally and easily to me.  And watching for times when listening is the last thing I want to do.  And trying to pay attention to what seems to work well.  To what makes others more willing to open up.  What’s my body posture?  What do I do to make sure I understand what they are saying?  When am I naturally inclined to listen for comprehension rather than to formulate my own response?  I’m not trying to make changes yet—I’m simply trying to be aware of what I do naturally.

I’ve learned there are times I listen well.  And there are times I’m a terrible listener.  “Uh huh.  Yeah.  Ummmm.  Really?”  All clues I’m not really paying attention and am probably thinking more about what book I should download on my new Kindle.  (Have I mentioned how much I love my Kindle????  I’m worse than a kid at Christmas!  LOL!) 

It’s become pretty clear there are a number of listening areas ripe for improvement.  Which is really kinda cool.  I’m pretty excited to see where I’ll be a year or two from now. 

In the context of all of that introspection I realized something today.  I need to learn to listen to myself.

Okay Spudsie.  That’s a really odd thing to say.  What on earth do you mean?

I had a headache last night.  A bad one.  A really bad one.  A really, REALLY bad one.  A curled-up-hanging-onto-the-edge-of-the-toilet-sobbing-uncontrollably one.  Ugh.

I got through last night.  And tried today to look back at what went wrong.  It was almost entirely a stress induced headache.  There were a couple of migraine triggers involved that made it worse.  But the majority of it was stress.

And bunches (a very technical, scientific estimation) of it were because I wasn’t paying attention to my body.  I wasn’t listening to me.

I’ve been fighting migraine headaches for a while now.  And this year I’ve made huge strides with a lot of help from Coach Jim and Mr. Spuds.  At the same time I still get occasional headaches that are out of control.  And that has been frustrating to me.

I realized today that I’ve been the most successful at warding off the worst headaches when I take the time to take care of myself.  When I notice the headache coming on and I can stop (relax, lay down, eat food, have Mr. Spuds try to work the knots out of my shoulders, etc.) and put myself in a “time out” I can keep it from escalating.  I can manage the pain.  Basically when my body sends out signals that I’m not dealing with some type of stress and I can center myself (or even just zone out if I can’t find calm) I’m almost always successful at warding off the worst of the pain.

Last night I ignored all of that.  I saw all of the signs.  I even said “My head hurts.”  I even knew I had wanted to take a hot shower and lay down in a dark room for hours.  I knew I needed to find a way to calm.

And I didn’t listen.  Instead I told myself that I could get through it.  I told myself I’d be fine.  I told myself that I needed to let Mr. Spuds manage the car situation.  That I needed to set aside the pain in my head and deal with it after we had the car back.

I didn’t listen to my body.  I didn’t take it seriously.  I denied what it was telling me.

In hind sight, I should have spoken up when I first realized I had a headache and said, “Mr. Spuds I really need to know what we are doing about the car within the next hour.  I don’t care what we do, I just need to know what the decision is and be at home taking care of my headache.”

If I had said that Mr. Spuds would have been happy to help me.  He would have done whatever he needed to do to make sure I could avoid a massive headache.

But I didn’t listen to myself.  I knew what I needed to do.  And I talked myself out of it.  With the best intentions in the world.  “It’s one night Spudsie.  Mr. Spuds always does things to support you.  You need to take one night to support him.  You need to do whatever he wants to do.  You need to be there for him.  If he wants to wait you need to let him.  You need to support and respect him.  He isn’t happy about the situation either.  If you start grumping at him it doesn’t help.  He’s doing a good job of following up.  Be there for him.  You can always relax over the weekend.  The headache will be fine.”

Sigh.

I knew what I needed to do.  And I didn’t find a way to do it.  And I paid the price.  And sadly so did Mr. Spuds.  He had to take care of me.  He had to spend time he had probably planned to spend catching up on Sports Center taking care of me.  So not only did I snap at him several times during the evening as my pain levels escalated, I also kept him away from his free time.  From his time to relax.  And I feel horrible for that.  (Please accept my apologies Mr. Spuds.  LuvU!) 

Maybe instead of focusing entirely on learning to listen to others I need to start learning to listen to myself.  Maybe if I stop figuratively banging my head against a wall—trying to ignore what my body is telling me—the headaches will stop.

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Headaches

Headaches are evidently the only thing that can make my writing succinct.

 

Pain runs through my head

Exploding without ceasing

Please God end the hurt

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