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Posts Tagged ‘Choices’

I’ve been thinking about energy a lot this past week. Mainly because I have none. Or at least very little anyway. I’ve been doing battle with a series of headaches—including some migraines. It’s been frustrating.

For whatever reason migraines have the disconcerting side effect of causing me to feel even worse about myself than I normally do. It sucks. When I’m in the middle of the physical pain my brain is able to recognize that the emotional upheaval is simply a side effect of the migraine, and knows it will pass. Unfortunately that doesn’t help me feel any better. Here’s what my internal conversations sounds like.

Brain: Okay Spudsie. You know this “I’m never gonna make any progress” and “I’m a lousy person” crap is simply a side effect of the migraine pain. You know it will pass eventually and you’ll start to see things more clearly.

Emotions: Yeah. Right. (Side note: My emotions tend to be very sarcastic during migraines. ;-)) I hate this. I’m still one big gooey mess of pent up-ness. This isn’t because of the migraine. This simply is. I’m not any better off than I was a year ago. The migraines still attack and I’m no better at fighting them off. They still slam me to the ground—which is probably where I deserve to be anyway. You’re the logical one—surely you can see that.

Brain: (Deeply sighing) Give it time Spudster. Give it time. The pain will pass and your vision will clear. Just try to focus on drinking water and breathing deeply. Try not to dwell on beating yourself up.

Emotions: Yeah. Right. Try not to dwell on beating myself up. Pffffft. Like that’s gonna happen. What happens to you when someone tells you not to think of an elephant, hmmmmm???? That’s right—all you can think of is an elephant! Let me sulk in my self pity pit for a while. It’s the one thing I’m really good at after all. Oh! And the water thing…..you do realize that drinking THAT much water makes us run to the bathroom every thirty minutes, right? And you know how painful it is to move at all in the middle of a migraine. Can’t we just leave the water alone?

Brain: We’re drinking the water. Period. It helps flush all the lousy stuff out of our system. So just drink it and go take a nap will ya! At least when you are sleeping you can’t beat yourself up.

And so it goes. Yuck. The migraine pain is bad enough, but the emotional toll it takes is far worse. I end up completely drained of any positive energy.

So I’ve been thinking about that positive energy a lot this past week. Wondering where it goes. And what attracts it back my way. And how I’ve become soooooo much more aware of it in the past year. Of sensing it around me. Of feeling it flow through me—or get tied up in knots occasionally. Of feeling it in others.

Last Thanksgiving Mr. Spuds and I vacationed in Las Vegas. Two nights before leaving I slept wrong and knotted up some odd muscles in my neck. I do this occasionally and didn’t think too much of it. Well after a day of not being able to turn my head while on vacation I’d had enough. The Canyon Ranch Spa at the Palazzo (where we stayed) offers a Tension massage that focuses on the head and neck. Perfect! Bright and early the next morning I went down to the spa and made an appointment.

Until then I’d never had a massage in my life. I’m a fairly modest person and blush at the thought of having someone other than my husband see me wearing nothing but a strategically draped sheet. Well evidently pain is a pretty good motivator for me to break out of my comfort zone. While scheduling the massage I was asked if I wanted a male or female therapist. Male, definitely male. No hesitation on my part. These knots are like steel and I need someone with serious upper body strength to work them out. When I mentioned I’d never had a massage before the person scheduling the appointment said, “Oh! I have the perfect therapist for you. Gabriel. He’s wonderful, you’ll love him.” Okay, fine. Whoever. Just fix my neck!

I had no idea.

Gabriel was (and IS) amazing! He made me feel completely at ease. I didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable or self conscious or anything. Wow! (At one point during the massage he joked about advertising in bus stations about offering massages from “the hands of an angel.” Mr. Spuds loved the play on his name and quipped for the rest of the vacation about how I was “touched by an angel.” Groan. I should probably hope these two never meet! LOL!) While he was working on getting rid of the knots (which were so pronounced I was tempted to name them) he kept talking about how I should come back for a full body massage at some point. That the Tension massage was good for working out specific problems, but the full body massage was sooooo much better.

In fact, he talked about it enough that he really shouldn’t have been surprised when I was his first appointment the very next morning for a full body Canyon Ranch massage. LOL! Turns out he was right. It was awesome! I left feeling completely relaxed and completely energized at the same time. Totally cool!

When we returned to Vegas in April (yes, yes….I know….it’s an amazing food city though….I simply can’t resist!), I went back to visit Gabriel again. This time I scheduled a massage the first morning we were in town. Ahhhhhh…..heaven. What a great way to start a vacation!

About half-way through the trip I felt lousy. We won’t talk about the reason. (Ahem. Any drink with the word “chocolate” in it really can’t be bad right? Even if you have 6 of them, right??? Groan. I’m old enough to know better!) Physically I was fine—no headaches, no stomach problems, no knots. I just felt off-kilter. I wasn’t hungry. I told Mr. Spuds I was going to see if Gabriel had any open appointments that day. Mr. Spuds though I had lost my mind. How on earth is a massage going to help?? I was convinced. My energy felt off—it wasn’t flowing normally. It felt knotted up somewhere inside. And I knew Gabriel could help.

Yay! I was right. When it came time for my appointment I told him how I was feeling and that I wanted to see if he could get me back to normal. Bingo! He knew exactly what to do. He asked a few questions and worked in a slightly different way than he had the last time. It worked! It was as though he pulled the energy from my head into my core and then kept it flowing (unknotted) through my legs and out my feet. Awesome! I left feeling totally relaxed, totally energized, and totally hungry!! (I’ve never claimed to be anything even approaching normal. LOL!)

The rest of the day felt magical. I turned my $20 gambling budget (last of the big spenders eh?) into $150. I had an amazing dinner at Bouchon with Mr. Spuds—and had the BEST mint ice cream I’ve ever had. (It tasted herbal instead of fake-minty. Loved it!!!) I had an incredible time at the Blue Man Group show—and Mr. Spuds got to participate and have the entire audience applaud him—totally cool!

The difference was night and day. Before, when my energy was tied in knots, I was trying to force enjoyment. “I am determined to enjoy myself. I’m not going to let feeling off-kilter keep me from doing the things I want to do.” I wasn’t wallowing, but I was pushing myself to keep going. Once the energy was flowing again, everything else flowed right along with it. Enjoyment simply happened. Joy was there—I didn’t have to force it or even go looking for it. It lived in me.

All in all it was an experience I hope to never forget. And I hope I can keep the lesson with me. When the energy is flowing, so is everything else. When the energy flows, I’m in flow. I love it when life lessons sneak up on ya!

Anyone who knows me IRL has heard about Gabriel before. I’ve gushed on and on and on and on about what an amazing massage therapist he is. Recently (within the past month) I was given the opportunity to spend two days at a pretty neat spa free of charge. (!!!) I scheduled a couple of different body treatments—a Swedish massage and a Papaya body scrub and treatment. And I found myself wondering how they would compare to what I’d had in Las Vegas. Would they be just as incredible? Would I find myself realizing that while Gabriel was great he wasn’t the be-all-and-end-all of massage therapists? Hmmmmmm….this could be interesting. I couldn’t wait to find out.

After the Swedish massage I told Mr. Spuds, “Okay. Now I know. Gabriel is a ROCK STAR/GOD among massage therapists!!!” The Swedish massage was nice. That’s about all I can say. If it had been my first massage ever I probably wouldn’t ever schedule another one. There wasn’t anything “bad” about it—it simply wasn’t worth what it would have cost.

The Papaya body scrub and treatment included another 50 minute massage—with a different therapist. Ahhhhh….much better than the last therapist. Still no Gabriel, but at least this one managed to work out a couple of my knots.

In case I haven’t been crystal clear with my opinion let me say it plainly. If you ever travel to Las Vegas (and want a massage) call the Canyon Ranch Spaclub at the Palazzo/Venetian and book any appointment you can get with Gabriel! Seriously. He’s that good. Cut your gambling budget, see a cheaper show, skip an expensive meal (and you KNOW he’s got to be good if I suggest skipping awesome food!)…..do whatever you have to do. Just make it happen.

He’s great at making people feel comfortable—and every person at the spa talks about how much they love working with him. He’s great at being able to ask the right questions and move you around in such a way that he can tell what muscles need extra attention—even if you don’t realize it. (He asked if my right hip was bothering me very much. Ummm….no…not really. Then he pressed on one spot. OUCH! Okay…evidently it is bothering me and I hadn’t realized it. LOL!) And he totally gets that energy flows through the body, and that sometimes it gets stuck and needs to be worked out.

I love it when God uses something unexpected and/or unpleasant (like knotted neck muscles that won’t let me move my head) to teach me life lessons and introduce me to really awesome people!! Looking back I am SOOOOOO thankful for sleeping wrong and knotting up those muscles. It’s turned into something awesome!

Now if only there were a way to move Gabriel and his family closer to Ohio…..hmmmmmmm….

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I’m playing hooky from work right now.  Shhhhhhh….don’t tell anyone!!  😉

Although…if I stop to think about it…..it’s not really a secret.  After all, work will notice I’m not at work because…..well…because I’m not there.  And I told my team I was leaving after lunch.  So I guess it’s not really a secret or anything…..hmmmmm….. 

Still.  It feels more free-ing to say I’m playing hooky. So let’s just keep this between us, okay?  J

Why am I home from work?  Why did I abandon my co-workers today?  I’m soooo glad you asked.

I had another coaching call with Coach Jim last night.  And (once again) it’s thrown me for a loop.  (You’d think I’d be used to that by now wouldn’t ya?!?  LOL!)  And I wasn’t really focusing on work today while I was at the office.  I wasn’t really being productive at all.  My mind kept wandering.  So I made a deal with myself—focus and be productive until lunch time and then leave and come home and write.

Ta-da!  So here I am.  Grin!

So what’s thrown me for a loop this time?  (Or perhaps I’m simply in a perpetual loop???  Or am I just loopy??  LOL!)

Without saying too much (and Heaven forbid I say “too” much on a fairly anonymous blog!) I’m trying to have conversations with Jim that help me explore what direction I want to take my life.  Or what direction I want my life to take me.  Or “what I want to do when I grow up.” 

That seems simple enough, right?  Nothing too complex.  Yeah…right!! 

I’ve wanted to start this conversation for a year and have intentionally set it aside.  Partially because there was other stuff I wanted to start working on first, and partially because it sends me into a total and complete “flight” mode the minute I start thinking about it.

Sigh.

(Some of you may have heard this story before.  Please bear with me.  I’ll try to keep it short.)

What initially sent me looking for help from Jim was (in part) my reaction to the paperweight on my desk.  (Hey!  I’ve never claimed to be anything close to “normal” so this really shouldn’t surprise anyone too much!  ;-))   The weight bears the question, “what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”

I purchased the weight thinking it would help motivate and encourage me to take a fresh look at what I wanted to do with my life.  Where I wanted to go.  The possibilities that might be right in front of me.  Instead I slumped into a puddle of teary-eyed goop (starchy goop at that!) whenever I stopped to read it and think about it.

I simply had no clue how to answer the question.  Didn’t even know how to start thinking about how to answer the question.  “What would I do?  I have no flippin’ clue!”  I couldn’t come up with a single thing.

While I’m no longer in that emotionally locked place, I still struggle with the concept.  With the question.

(By the way, my non-serious answer to the question now is, “Go to Vegas and play Craps for a living baby!”  LOL!  Hey…at least I can give a non-serious answer.  That’s some type of progress right?  J)

I thought I’d moved along enough to be ready to at least start the conversation.  And now I’m not so sure.  

We’re starting off with the most basic of questions.  Approaching it with no expectations.  No known outcomes.  No “I need to see X,Y and Z or it won’t be right” type of thinking.  Nothing’s off the table.  (Although I’m evidently too old to be Miss America.  Pfffffffffffff!  ;-))   And I’m still tied in knots.

Jim helped me come up with a list of questions to think about.  Or more accurately I came up with 4 questions and Jim supplied the rest.  Sigh.  I struggle to wrap my brain around how to even start any of this!  I have a hard time coming up with questions without feeling a panic-filled need to immediately answer them.  Ugh.

The questions I’m supposed to be pondering are along the lines of:  What do you want to do?  What energizes you?  What skills do you want to use?  What brings you joy?  (Hey!  I have a list of 125 plus things that bring me joy!!)  What kind of people do you want to work with?  Do you want to serve?

Basic questions right?  Nothing too complex.  No wrong answers.  No expectations.  Simply questions.

And still I find myself hyperventilating and feeling sick to my stomach.

Really Spudsie.  This isn’t that difficult.  They are just questions.  It’s not like I’m expected to give answers on par with the Oracle at Delphi.  Come on Spuds.  Relax.

Deep breath.

Another deep breath.

I’m supposed to be brainstorming answers.  And/or additional questions.  Anything and everything that comes to mind.  Toss it all out on the table.

And instead of doing that I find myself curled in a ball underneath my desk, thinking maybe what I’m doing with my life now isn’t so bad after all.  Really.  It’s not bad.  I’ve made it this far right?  I can keep grinding out day after day…hour after hour….literally minute after minute, right? 

Grrrrrrrr.

But that’s not what I want to do.  I want to do something different.  Something more.  Something that brings at least moments of joy and satisfaction and fulfillment into my life—instead of only and always draining them away.

So I need to do this.  I want to do this.  I choose to do this.  I choose to try and think about these questions.

I’m just not sure how.

“What do I want to do?”  Well…gee….if I knew that I wouldn’t be in this complete “flight” mode would I?!  I don’t have a clue!

Okay Spuds.  That’s not overly helpful.  What else do ya have?

“What do I want to do?”  Something that brings at least moments of joy, satisfaction and fulfillment into my life.  There.  Is that better?

Okay.  Better.  What else?

“What do I want to do?”  ANYTHING other than have this conversation!  Sorry.  (Sheepish grin)  I know…that’s not helpful.  Okay. 

(Minutes ticking by…)

“What do I want to do?”  I want to re-phrase the question.  I want to change it up a little.  How about…..

“How do you want to feel?”  Bear with me.  This isn’t a cop-out.  I think I can start here and move forward a little easier.  Maybe.

“How do you want to feel?”  I want to feel excited to start each day.  (Or at least the majority of them!  LOL!)  I want to feel like Jack London, er…Martin Eden in “Martin Eden” by Jack London.  Martin begrudged his body every hour of sleep he had to “give in” to.  Martin wanted to live every moment, every instant, every second to its fullest.  Sleep deprived him of activity, of action of movement, of progress, of experiences.  He wanted all of it to the fullest and resented the time he had to give up for his body to recharge.

Yeah….that’s what I want!  I want to run at the start of each day on the balls of my feet…not wanting to lose a second!  (Which is far different from the counting of seconds left until I can leave that I find myself doing now.)

When Mr. Spuds asks me, “So Spudsie how was your day?” I want to have excitement in my voice when I say, “Oh!  You wouldn’t believe what happened today!”  Even if it’s just telling him stories of the hours I spent on cleaning the shower floor and how sparkling white it now is, I want to have that energy because what I’m doing is fulfilling, is uplifting, is overall worth it!

So, “how do I want to feel?”  I want to feel energized and excited, looking at every day as a series of amazing opportunities and adventures.  (Again, even if those “adventures” are as simple as cleaning!) 

Okay.  That’s pretty cool.  At least I have some idea of how I want to feel. 

Now I suppose I need to turn my attention to what energizes me. 

Hmmmm…….I’m beginning to think this is gonna take awhile…..stay tuned.

To be continued.

J

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Thriving…..

Work’s been a bear lately.  (Groan!  Please Spudsie spare us the bear references in such a lousy bear market!  J)  Seriously, it’s been really tough.  And my attitude has been really lousy.  (See “Workplace woes” if you doubt me.)  This week I felt the lowest work-wise I’ve felt in a really long time. 

And it frustrated me.  (I’m sure there were/are other emotions tied in there….but I still have problems identifying individual emotions/ingredients in my own personal emotional stew.  I’m working on it.)

I felt like the sunflower under my bird feeder.  (Stay with me here….I like analogies and tend to find them everywhere.)  A late season sunflower started growing under my bird feeder several weeks ago.  It gave a wonderful pop of bright yellow color when most other flowers have stopped blooming.  It was really neat to see.  Sunflowers are sturdy looking flowers.  And this one was no exception.  Nice sturdy-looking broad yellow leaves.  Looked like nothing could hurt it.  I figured it would be around for a while.

I was wrong.  Unfortunately we had a light (very light) frost one night.  That was all it took.  One slight frost and the petals wilted.  The beautiful bright yellow turned a dour brown.  Farewell beautiful flower—I’m glad I appreciated your beauty while you were here.

It surprised me how little it took to “kill” the flower.  The Knock-out roses look far more delicate and they are still blooming despite the frost.  How did such a sturdy looking flower fall prey to the slightest stress?  I suppose it’s simply the nature of the plant.

This week I thought I was a lot like that sunflower.

I feel like I’m making progress with my coaching stuff.  I feel like I’m making lasting changes (small though they may be.)  I feel like I’m growing. 

And this week the little workplace stuff had finally grown to the point where it took only a few small problems to send me over the edge.  To make me want to flee.  To make me feel I’d made no progress at all. 

I felt I was a human version of the dying sunflower in my yard.

Now that I’ve let some time and space come between me and the events at work I think that’s not an accurate analogy.  I think it’s wrong.

On Tuesday I felt lousy.  At the bottom.  In a dark place.  Not a good space for Spudsie to live. 

On Wednesday there was a big lunch meeting scheduled with the owners of the company and an outside meeting facilitator.  (We’ll call the outside facilitator Jean Claude.  What?  He has to have some type of name.  😉)  Jean Claude (quit laughing) has worked with our company for years.  We have him out two or three times a year.  He helps the owners have productive meetings and helps guide their conversations.  Occasionally other employees are invited to lunch meetings with the owners and Jean Claude.

On Wednesday a large group of us were invited to have lunch and meet with Jean Claude and the owners.  The topic of conversation was “what impact does the market downturn have on our company.”  Jean Claude asked us to send in our questions ahead of time so he could create an agenda.

(This will come as no surprise to Coach Jim.)  I sent in my list of 15 questions.  (On second thought perhaps Jim would be surprised I didn’t send more questions! LOL!) 

I’ve met with and worked with Jean Claude a number of times over the past 8 years.  He’s really good at what he does.  I admire the way he seemingly effortlessly guides and directs group conversations.  I always learn something from watching him.  And he does an excellent job of creating a safe environment to have conversations with the owners.  No small feat!

The timing couldn’t have been worse.  I had been really looking forward to this lunch meeting despite the difficult and stressful topic.  I was looking forward to being able to practicing some of the new postures, new ways of carrying myself that I’ve been working on with Coach Jim.  I was really excited to see if it really made a difference—if I could really pull it off!  And then Tuesday…..I basically fell apart.  My attitude couldn’t have been much worse. 

And I was ticked that it was going to “ruin” how I wanted to show up on Wednesday.

I woke up Wednesday morning at 3 and couldn’t fall back asleep.  So that was working against me as well.  And I had a stress headache.  And I couldn’t manage to find calm.  Ugh.

I was not a happy potato.

I went into work on Wednesday morning.  There was a staff meeting.  It ran long.  That didn’t help my mood any and I was NOT a good facilitator at the staff meeting.  I tried, but my heart wasn’t in it.  So that was discouraging to me.

I had about an hour between the staff meeting and leaving for the lunch meeting.  And somewhere in that hour I made a decision. 

I decided to set aside my lousy attitude.  I decided to set aside my frustrations.  I decided to set aside my strong desire to flee.  “Hey….everything crappy in my head right now…. listen up.  I see ya.  And I’m leaving you here while I go to a lunch meeting.  If you’re still here when I get back we’ll go from there.  But you can’t come with me.”

I didn’t “feel” strong going into the lunch meeting.  And yet I decided to walk in confidently.  I had already made wardrobe and make-up choices earlier that morning that would support any confidence I could muster.  (I’m sure that confuses the heck out of you men…..women probably understand.  Some clothes really help you carry yourself more confidently.)  I decided to pay close attention to my body posture.  To keep my feet grounded.  To keep my shoulders square, not slumping and yet not tense.  I decided to make eye contact when I spoke.  I decided to breathe deeply rather than shallowly.  I decided to keep my voice lower and calm.  I decided to keep an open body posture.  I decided to set fear aside and ask the questions I wanted answered.

And the amazing thing?  I was able to do all of it.

!!!!!!

Wow!

The meeting went far too quickly.  I still had my tension headache.  And the negative feelings were knocking at the door of my mind.  I had managed to stay engaged in the conversation.  I asked my questions.  I pressed for answers when they were avoided.  I actively listened.  I carried myself well.  And still felt the darkness looming.

As we were leaving the lunch site I took 30 seconds to thank Jean Claude.  (Whoops!  I almost forgot the pen name I had given him!)  Firm handshake.  Direct eye contact.  Strong body posture.  “Thanks Jean Claude.  The conversation was great!  It’s always good to see you.”  Blah…blah…blah….

You know what he said to me?  “Thanks Spudsie.  It’s good seeing you again too.  You look like you are really thriving.”

Thriving??  Who the heck says thriving?  LOL! 

So even though I thought I looked like a dying sunflower, someone else saw me as a thriving Knock-out rose.  How cool is that?!  Maybe I need to start looking at myself as that rose.

Hmmmm…..I’ll have to work on that.

 

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Yesterday’s ramblings seem a little “whiney” to me.  And that’s really not a state of mind I want to stay in.  It’s okay to end up there every now and then…..but I want to move beyond that.  There’s no need for me to stay stuck in self pity.

So…moving forward.

Mr. Spuds and I have been trying to visit different churches for the past several months.  Several things seemed to conspire against us and it turns out today was the first Sunday we were able to visit  new one.  We decided to visit one within 3 minutes of our home.

Clearly God had a hand in this—they started a new series of lessons/sermons today titled something along the lines of “What questions do you have for God.”  And the first week’s was “Hey God, would it kill you to make your will for my life easier to understand?”

I love it!!

I’ll butcher the finer points of the lesson, but hopefully I can manage to put the stuff that really hit home with me into words.

The minister started by presenting 3 separate areas of God’s will—His Sovereign will, His Moral will, and His will for each person individually.  The Sovereign will is like God’s room that He doesn’t let anyone else into.  It’s His will and He alone knows it.  We don’t need to know it, we aren’t required to know it, we just need to know that it exists and that God’s in charge.

God’s Moral will is communicated in the Bible.  It’s the set of guidelines we need to live our lives by.  It’s knowable and we are responsible for following it.

The third area the minister talked about made me wary.  He started talking about the “one right and perfect set of circumstances” that God has planned for our lives.  And that it puts a lot of pressure on us as Christians to learn what God’s will is—because if we don’t we can make a mistake and miss God’s perfect plan for our life.  And then we end up living on “leftovers.”

Um.  No.  I don’t think so.  But I kept listening.  Where’s he headed with this?  I don’t agree- but I’m curious.  What is he basing this on?  What Scripture?  What’s his foundation?  So I keep listening.

Ahhhhh….it turns out I have nothing to fear.  The minister says he has a radical suggestion to make.  This third area of God’s will doesn’t exist.  It’s something we’ve created on our own.

Yes!  Keep talking!

He goes on to explain that if we as Christians have decisions to make and we make them within God’s moral will and with His will in mind, we can’t go wrong.

If we look at our options and eliminate the ones that are outside of God’s will and seek wisdom (through other Godly people and through reading the Bible) in eliminating other choices, all remaining choices are good ones.  Are ones we are free to choose from.

This isn’t making sense.  Let me try again.

If I have 5 job offers to choose from here’s how it might work.

1.   Which of the choices could be eliminated because they are outside of God’s moral will?  Hmmmm…will we can probably rule out the drug dealer and stripper offers.  So that would leave three.

2.   Out of the three remaining choices are there any that I can eliminate based on wisdom that others may be able to share or that may be eliminated because they don’t’ help advance my faith or God’s kingdom?  Well, the bar keeping job probably isn’t the best choice for helping me live a Christian life.  There’s not necessarily anything wrong with it—it’s just not the best choice for me.

3.   That leaves a choice between HR Director for Amnesty International and Food Taster Extraordinaire for the Michael Mina restaurant group.  (Quite the range of job offers eh?  J)

Normally I’d get stuck at level three.  Which offer does God want me to choose?  I’d pray.  I’d ask others—which would probably be less than helpful.  Everyone has an opinion—but none of them would have to live with the consequences (good and bad) from the decision.  I’d pray some more.  I’d wait for divine inspiration to hit me. 

And I’d stress myself out.

Working for AI or Michael Mina at any level would be an amazing opportunity.  How could I tell which one God wants for me?

Well guess what.

God’s given me the freedom to choose whichever one I want.  It doesn’t matter.

That may sound simple, but for me that concept is brand new and is HUGE!!  God’s given me the freedom to make that final choice.  There is no wrong answer.  I CANNOT MAKE A MISTAKE.

Wow.

Wow.

I can’t make a mistake.  Either decision would be right. 

Do you know how much fear I could eliminate from my life if I could remember this?  It’s astounding.

One of the ultimate goals I hope to achieve from working with Jim is to figure out what I want to do with my life when I grow up.  I still don’t have any idea.  And that’s been a little frustrating for me lately.  I crave a singular direction to move in.  I want to know the path and want to start moving along it.  (Mind you the fact that I’ve gone 6 months without throwing a tantrum because I don’t have a defined ultimate goal is pretty impressive progress for me!  J)

I’m trying to be content with building a more solid, firm foundation before moving up.  I can’t very well be picking our paint colors for the curtains of the castle that is my life if I don’t even have a solid foundation laid yet.

And now (if I can remember it!) I have the knowledge that whatever decisions I make along the way will be the right ones.  As long as they are in keeping with God’s moral will, and I’m seeking His will for my life,  I’m free to make the best, most enjoyable, most fun, most adventurous, most bold, most unbelievable, most “I-never-would-have-thought-of-that-but-in-hindsight-it’s –perfect” decision I can.  And it won’t EVER be a mistake.  No matter what I choose.  I don’t have to fear.

Wow.

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