“It’s never the changes we want that change everything.” Junot Diaz, “The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao”
So I’m minding my own business, reading “Oscar Wao,” not really thinking anything about anything and WHAM! This line jumps out at me.
I’ve been reading voraciously (although I think someone else referred to it as “rabid” LOL!) for the past year. In 2007 I found a summer reading list (compiled by my now coach) that listed a ton of books that sounded intriguing. That was the beginning of the end…..I bought about a dozen books from the 2007 list and started reading them. (Let’s not even talk about how many books on the 2008 SRL that now have a home on my bookshelves…..suffice it to say I’m tempted to pass a collection plate around for any spare Amazon.com gift certificates anyone may have to fund my habit!)
For the first six months I really enjoyed reading the books. I stacked them up next to my reading area pulling one out of the pile at random. Ahhhhh…such wonderful stories! Terrific characters, surprising plotlines, new authors….the world was bright and new.
The past six months have been slightly different. Oh, the books are just as wonderful, the plots as fantastic. There’s been a new dimension added. Since I’ve been working with Coach Jim for the past six months I’ve noticed that in every book I read there is something that ties in with the stuff Jim has me working on or thinking about. It’s been amazing!
(Side note: Coach Jim was, I believe, somewhat amused with my reaction to this phenomenon. “Jim! It’s amazing….it’s like God is sending these books, these stories, these authors to me at just the right time!” His explanation is somewhat more realistic—that because I’m focused on working on new things, new ideas, new perspectives that I see them easier wherever I look. That the same themes have been in other books but I wasn’t as sensitive to them and didn’t pick up on them. That makes perfect, rational sense. And yet I still feel as though the stories, the lessons were sent to me at just the right moment—and am grateful God’s timing is perfect. J)
Anyway, “Oscar Wao” has been no exception to this new trend. “It’s never the changes we want that change everything.” That has been so true for me recently. I’ve been…..well….let’s just say less than happy with a number of things in my life for some time. And have been craving a major change of some type for some time. I couldn’t articulate it, couldn’t explain it, couldn’t even really rationally think about it. I just felt it. And did nothing about it.
And then within a year a number of changes/events happened in fairly rapid succession. I changed churches and Bible study groups. My husband spent time in the ER with severe kidney stone problems. My dog died very unexpectedly. My house was broken into. My job became less fulfilling. My annoying headaches turned into full-blown week long uncontrollable migraines. All of those changes pushed me towards reaching out for help. But it wasn’t enough. What did finally convince me to ask for help?
An e-mailed newsletter and a paperweight.
Yup. That’s right. My coach publishes a monthly Happiness newsletter that he e-mails to anyone who is interested. I’d been receiving and fairly faithfully reading it since I heard him speak at a conference in 2006. In one issue Jim discussed Core Values—how to determine what they are for you and how to use that knowledge. “Cool!” I thought. “Here’s an exercise I can do that will help focus my thinking. Awesome!” But every time I tried to work on it I ended up in tears. I couldn’t even begin to think about what my core values were. At the same time I kept looking at a paperweight on my desk. “What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?” I had purchased the paperweight to help inspire me. Sadly all it did was further reduce me to tears.
I realized I needed help. If a paperweight and a newsletter made me feel completely helpless and vulnerable I was out of my league. I needed to reach out for help. And I did.
I have no idea what new directions my life will take as a result of this decision. I do not know what changes I will make. What opportunities will present themselves to me. I do know that my thinking has shifted already. I had been waiting for things to happen to me to present the opportunity to make changes. I was passively waiting for change. I wanted it to show up on my front doorstep and say “Hey Spudsie! Here I am…just what you’ve been waiting for.” I imagined embracing this change and instantly knowing that yes! this is indeed what I have been missing, have been needing, have been waiting for.
In hindsight….duh! What was I thinking?? Life doesn’t work that way! I have learned (again!) that I need to work on changing me first….changing how I view myself, how I present myself, how I think about my life. THEN I’ll be able to answer my paperweight. Because I’ll know who I am.
It wasn’t the change I wanted when I asked for help. Clearly it is the change I need.
Spudsie — Your blog has already captured me! I’m already inspired! I would love to get a copy of your Coach Jim’s reading list and maybe even his newsletters! Hell, I might need his phone # too!! *L*